Throwaway account for reasons. I have one question that has been nagging me as of late.
tl;dr I just kinda gamified my diet and I am worried it may lead to an eating disorder.
So, I was finally able to kick my sugar addiction last year and I have lost 20 kgs so far (about 45 pounds). I am well on my way to a trimmer figure. I am guesstimating I am two thirds of the way there? Dunno, I have always been obese, so I don't know what to expect when I reach a healthy weight. Anyway, besides sugar, I also got rid of other foodstuffs that irritated my bowel such as lactose and gluten. I was never one to drink a lot of alochol and, since I would only drink it in super sugary cocktails, that went out too. I am now trying to see what happens if I avoid starches. After three days of no starchy veggies, I have been loosing weight even more reliably...
Except...
It has become a bit of a numbers game now. If I eat a light breakfast, only eat my prepared meal at work, I will come back with LESS weight from work instead of more. And then, if I skip dinner or eat a piece of fruit or a few slices of ham, by morning I will have lost even MORE weight, instead of bouncing up and down (but steadily down). I am aware that a lot of the weight loss I've been seeing this week is basically my bowels becoming empty since I ate some comparatively heavy breakfast, supper and dinner in the preceding days.
But, I am just so close to my goal weight, even though the belly still hangs in there. It is kinda frustrating to have skinny face, hands, feet, legs, but there's a definite donut of fat still stuck around my lower abs.
To further put numbers into play, I am dropping clothing size numbers too. I keep track of these month by month. It is nice to be able to fit into sizes that look like doll clothes in your hands. Guess I still perceive my own volume as obese.
So, yesterday was when I became concerned I may be developping an eating disorder. All that number tracking, checking several times a day, betting with myself about number outcomes...
I mean, I have no voices in my head bullying me, like it is commonly described. As a gay man, I have enough pressure from our beauty standards and their sexual implications as it is. I personally do it because I want to be able to dress nice and not get winded when going up the stairs. Yeah, I am doing it for the aesthetics mostly, although I tell everyone who'll listen how my blood pressure has stabilized down now. Nobody gives a damn, though. Like, only one person has commented that I look thinner now... in passing. I get no pressure, nor validation from my peers. My dad just begs me to be careful not to become anorexic.
When it comes to tasting "forbidden" food, I do it in small quantities and either by mistake or knowing that it is a single montly occurrence at worst; when it used to be daily beforehand. I never throw up or taste and spit out. I find that behaviour revolting.
When I see interviews and documentaries on eating disorders, people seem really disturbed and anxious about it. They do seem in very real pain. But I am not there myself, I think. I am just worried that my accidental gamification of this weight loss process may eventualy lead to an eating disorder.
On the outside, it seems healthy to avoid foods that irritate your bowels and make you gain excess ammounts of body fat. But, on the inside, it feels like I am on a research mission to find cause and consequence, measured by numbers I keep checking several times a day, like numbers and percentages on a game...
So, let me know your thoughts on the matter. I could really use advice from someone who has experinced an eating disorder themselves.
Extra food for thought: my personal tragedy is that I am still in love with cake, but my palate has become so damn sensitive to sugar, even just an apple can taste unbearably sweet now. I ate chocolate for new year's (I was a good boy for months) and it tasted nauseatingly sweet. Oh, and in December, I drank a shot and got drunk really fast and had a day-long hang-over with COVID-like symptoms (results were negative, luckily). I do eventually want to eat some sugary confection every few dozen days or so. I even have some champagne stored to celebrate... but I am unsure as to how the hell I will be able to reintroduce these foods back into my diet... any experiences on that front?
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