(TW mentions of eating disorders and specific weight-related numbers)
yeah so, I fit into 2 pairs of pants now. not gonna go deep into it, but 22/F/5'1, always been the chubby kid, always dealt with binge eating and other disordered eating and body issues. decided to put in real, healthy change a couple years ago and stumbled along the way. last summer I was the thinnest I had ever been. I was going between 120-122lbs after my starting weight of 145-150lbs. I genuinely believed I was being healthy but I was actually being an idiot and not taking into account protein. no joke, I was eating between 10-20 grams of protein a day... bearing in mind someone my size needs about 80g... and I did that for months. in the fall I realized my hair was falling out, my skin was aging, I didn't have the energy to do anything, literally. couldn't work out anymore, couldn't sleep, fatigue, ie. extremely protein deficient.
by the time I realized that though I had undergrown (is that the opposite of outgrown? idk.) just about every pair of pants and had to buy size 4s and small 6s. it was this weird mental marker that I didn't even know would affect me. I never thought I was someone who'd measure my own personal weight loss success with numbers and sizes. but it made me feel confident and it was like a physical indication of progress and reaching my goals.
so then Halloween happened a week later. and I. love. Halloween. and I love food and sugar and baking. and I knew it would be okay in the long run if I didn't stress over calories for a couple days and just had fun eating. and I did that, and I don't regret it bc it was awesome. but I never got back on track. and then Thanksgiving came. and with the same mindset, (which, just to disclaim, I still think it's perfectly fine to have special occasions where you eat without worry. the problem is just when you don't get back on track and you just keep being unhealthy for a solid month, or two, or three.) and after Thanksgiving was Christmas, and I was basically just a slug in between the two. and immediately after was New Years which is another food oriented holiday at my house. and 11 days later was my birthday. and I decided before then that I was going to indulge on my birthday, and get back on track the next day. and that is exactly what I did.
again, I just want to stress that I do not feel guilty or regret eating a lot on holidays/a bday. (and I don't think anyone should.) what I regret is continuing to excessively eat super junky food and be a couch potato in between them. and the entire time I could see in the mirror that I was gaining weight. that my stomach was always bloated, even in the morning. that my cheeks were filling out again. that my arms were losing muscle tone. so the next day I took out the measuring tape, stepped on a scale, and wrote down the stats in my bullet journal. I tried on my pants that didn't stretch (cause I rotated between 2 pairs with lots of stretch) and none of them fit. I knew with my measurements being an inch bigger all around and the scales going up and looking in the mirror that I had gained weight, but not being able to pull my pants past my thighs solidified the damage I'd done and progress I'd undone. solely myself to blame.
the first few days were rocky but I got back on track consistently now with CICO and working back into exercise. (I sorta have to wait a few days in between bc I'm so sore from simple workouts again.) I'm eating plenty of protein, plenty of calories, food that I enjoy, and I'm not hungry. I already feel better and more confident even though there hasn't really been time for any change yet. February 12th is the next body stat update. I'm trying not to pair a weight goal with a timeframe goal but I've been in the fitness/weight loss world for so long I have an idea of how long it'll take to get back to where I was or smaller in the back of my mind. and I'm also trying to loosen the reigns on a weight goal, period. cause my long term, end goal was building more muscle, anyway. at some point early along the way, my goals changed from, "I hate myself, I need to be skinny." to "I wanna be healthy, I'm gonna get fit." and I still feel the latter.
so yeah. the thing is that it's not even difficult for me to stay consistent. I actually really enjoy cooking and exercising, and now that I'm not protein deficient and have been on this fitness journey going on 3 years I don't really have any eating disordered thoughts or behaviors for the first time in my life. I wouldn't personally consider the past few months to be a result of disordered eating/bingeing, moreso just not caring. I honestly think the last time I had a real, genuine binge episode was mid October. but yeah, there's my little accountability rant. and will I have some dessert on Valentines Day? absolutely. but it's back to it on the 15th. will I probably eat a chocolate bunny on Easter? yes. and back on track the next day... 4th of July? you get the picture. 2021 I'm focused on consistent, healthy routines, accountability, and self discipline. and fitting into my pants.
thank you for reading. it's okay if you get derailed, everyone does. you can get back on track.
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