Feelings like a losing battle...

I posted this to /r/WeightLossAdvice also, I hope that's OK.

I'm a 44 year old male. I'm 6ft 2in and weigh 18 stone / 144kg / 252lbs. BMI is 32 / Obese.

Since my early 20's I've suffered from anxiety and permanent dysthymia (low grade depression) with occasional severe depression. I've been on countless medications, through many different types of therapies including hospitalisation.

I am allergic to eggs and have oral allergy syndrome (OAS) which means I get a severe allergic reaction to fresh fruits, nuts and some vegetables (tomatoes are the main one).

I don't get any exercise at all. There's no justification for this. My thinking tends to be:

• I hate exercising, I never get the 'post workout buzz', I never feel good when I'm doing it. Without a complex task to focus on, my mind wanders to dark and miserable places.
• I work long hours (8am to 10pm most days) in a desk/computer job. Working long hours keeps my mind occupied and helps me avoid anxiety/depression. Sitting at a desk makes me very sedentary and under current conditions, I'm not even getting the walking I'd do commuting to my job in a city 20 miles away.
• I do enjoy hiking over challenging terrain, however I live in an urban location and whilst I would like to move, my wife and child have all their social lives and support here.
• I hate home-cooking; I'm lucky my wife will often give me some of what she makes for my son. I find sourcing ingredients, following recipes, trying to get things 'right' really dials up my anxiety.

I have tried many times to count calories, which always shows a bit of promise early on, however I stop doing it, usually because:

• I find it mind-numbingly boring which makes me grumpy and grouchy.
• I find it difficult to identify the calories in home-cooked meals that my wife makes for me. This increases my anxiety which then erodes my discipline.
• I end up binging after 3-7 days for emotional reasons.
• I feel empty and hollow eating small portions, and everything feels grey and drab.

I would prefer not to have to eat at all, as even going shopping or being asked what I want to eat brings on such anxiety that I feel like I want to burst into tears.

I don't have any friends or family, beyond my wife and son, and my wife doesn't like me to talk about how I feel (it scares her) so I don't have anyone to talk to about this, nor anyone who I can ask for support from.

And so I turn to strangers on the Internet, hoping for some insight, shared experience or ideas about how I might tackle my issues and be successful with weight loss.

I feel that if I can just 'crack' sticking to a calorie regime, I would be able to shift the worst of the weight slowly and consistently.

I fear that I will become a burden for my wife and child at an age when they shouldn't have to deal with it.

I thank you for taking the time to read this and look forward to hearing your responses.

submitted by /u/InNeedOfHelpToday
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