To explain, I started gaining weight when I was 12 years old and didn’t stop growing until I was 18. At 250 pounds, I moved away from home and instantly dropped 40 pounds. Over the next 7 years, I consistently and slowly lost weight and by the time I was 26 I weighed 140 pounds. You guys... I. Looked. AMAZING! I totally did it! I was fit and active and healthy! And the best part was, I was so happy and the “lifestyle” came naturally at that point. It wasn’t hard to maintain my weight or work out or resist eating a donut. I was just a skinnygirl. I made it.
The thing is, I’ve lost a loooot of weight in my life, and I’ve lost it well. But I’ve never actually experienced the feeling of gaining weight. In the entire 110 pounds I lost, my biggest yo-yo was probably 7 pounds (3-5 of which could usually be explained by constipation and/or a party, and would be gone within a week or two). I got fat because I was a carefree kid with an unhealthy understanding of food. Sure, I wish someone told me I would regret the stretch marks, but I don’t fault my kid-self for allowing it to happen. I’ve never had to actually look myself in the mirror and say, you did this... now fix it.
- The scale crept up and I didn’t stop it. January 1, 2021... I weigh 165 pounds. This isn’t just binge weight. It isn’t constipation. It’s been here for 6 months This. Feeling. Sucks! The truth is, I don’t care about the 110 pounds anymore. Losing that weight was not “an accomplishment” as everyone tells me when they find out, it was a necessity. I can’t remember how to want to work out. I can’t muster up the feeling of being equally content when I don’t eat pizza. And I can’t even believe I did this in the first place! I know I’ve done this to myself. I know I could have prevented it. I know all of the motivational quotes are true: “if you stated when you said you would, you’d always be finished””nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”, etc. And worst of all, I KNOW that I can fix this. I’ve already done it! I’ve already lost 110! What’s a measly 25?! Losing this 25 pounds is not the difference between obesity or health. It’s not necessary but it’s sure as hell needed. I honestly feel like I am back at the starting line.
So... here’s to the very beginning of my weight loss journey (ugh). Realistically, I know it’s gonna take me a good 6 months to do this in a healthy and effective way. In the grand scheme, it’s not that long. But I’m terrified I’m going to fail.
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