Eating at maintainance but need advice

Tw: ED

Hey I just need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. So I started my journey in October I've lost 20kg I am currently I'm 5ft4 and 68kg

This is the furthest I've ever gotten in my weight loss journey in the past I would have given up and fallen into binge cycles. Now that the gym has opened up I've decided to go and start lifting weights and eating at maintainance so that I can start building some lean muscle. I know that this will help with my body issues and give me more freedom with food and prevent binges and hopefully make this all more sustainable.

The issue is I'm just starting to doubt myself and I'm scared I'm going to fall back into restricting heavily out of guilt. For a female who is 5ft 4 and 68kg works out at the gym 5 days a week. Also does yoga every day and walks 8-10k/hula hoops and cycles is 2200calories okay for maintaining? It's what the tdeee calculator and mfp have said are okay but now I'm so scared I'm going to gain fat. I spent all day crying about it and it's really stressing me out and now all I want to do is eat 1000 calories for a few weeks to make up for it. I really hate living in my messed up head sometimes I have progress pictures I can see myself shrinking but yet I can't seem to believe it, I don't understand why I feel so horrible and insecure when I should feel better about myself. I'm just so far from my goal I still have so much fat to lose but I don't want to just be skinny I want to be toned and strong. I keep telling myself I need to feed myself if I want to gain muscle but I just keep thinking maybe I'm not working out hard enough (even though I can barely move my arms today) or that I still have so much fat so I shouldn't be eating so much. Has anyone else done this and has it worked for you?

submitted by /u/Depcherry94
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