As so many of you will know and have experienced, unhealthy food habits run in the family. Pretty much my entire family deals with obesity and diabetes. Me, on the other hand, have never been severely overweight, but I have always been very insecure about my shape and bodytype growing up.
It led me to a year of drastic and unhealthy weight loss, restricting myself to only 500 calories a day. And those little calories were not a target, it was mainly me trying to convince my family I was fine when having dinner. I lost 15 kg, from 67 kg to 53 kg at my lowest (I’m 166cm).
After that year, I met my toxic boyfriend at the time, pushing me to get a very specific physique while increasing my food intake. One the one hand, he did help me to start eating more, but it still felt like punishment because I couldn’t have more than a specific amount. Also had to go to the gym almost fulltime. I was 17/18 years old around that time, and it led me to one year of purging behavior. Punishing myself for eating too much or binging.
After breaking up with that piece of shit, I started binging. I didn’t gain too much weight at a time, but it slowly added up. I felt so defeated, as if I just was not able to have a normal and healthy relationship with food. Together with my ever-present anxiety and insecurity about everything and anything, I decided to just stop dieting and counting calories and just enjoy life. Between the ages of 19 till a few months ago, I was eating ‘normally’. Went on two university exchanges, got an awesome boyfriend and going to cool restaurants and drinking occasionally. I had the best time, not worrying too much about food.
In the meantime, I gained weight again. I was 70 kgs in march this year. And I was pissed. I didn’t like my shape anymore, my relatively flat stomach didn’t go down anymore because of constant bloating, and my portions were way off the chains (which is literally my only problem! I love cooking and rarely eat meat or chicken, but my portions are HUGE. Thnx to my fam xx). So this time I decided to not change up my diet too much, since it is already quite healthy with little to no added sugar and a healthy amount of fat. I bought a scale and started weighing everything. I wanted my approach to be as sustainable as possible.
And damn, the amount of calories I got from the royal portions of pasta and rice is so damn much, I didn’t even realize my meals were above 12k sometimes just because of the amount of carbs! I now eat normal portion sizes, with a target of 1500 calories a day. And I haven’t lost a drastic amount of weight just yet, I weigh 67 at the moment with a target weight of 60, but man, I fucking love my life. I’m never starving, I sometimes have a ‘cheat’ meal when having dinner with friends and have some beers sometimes because I gotta live, but I compensate throughout the week. I am excited about cooking, weighing my ingredients and meals, with literally the only thing given up the amount of rice and pasta I’m eating. That’s fucking it. And I’m losing the weight at the exact pace I should be losing!
Reason for this sudden excitement is because I’m at my parents place this week, and I was so scared by the amount of delicious foods that were going to be in front of me. But before I had my first meal, I told everyone I just brought my scale and will have the same dinner with everyone, but I’ll just weight everything (and also overestimate the amount of oil used when logging into MFP). They were super supportive and happy for me, which helped so much with me not feeling weird when bringing the scale to the dinner table. And what makes me even more excited is the fact that I still get to eat a great piece of chocolate next to my coffee every afternoon.
I’m just so fucking happy y’all, I am so thrilled to not be scared of food anymore, and not seeing it as a way of punishing myself. I hope to share a happy before and after pic in a few months, and I’m 100% convinced it’s gonna be great, since this lifestyle is so sustainable for me. I beat the damn ED voices and I honestly cannot wait to live my best life WITHOUT BEING AFRAID OF FOOD! Yay me!
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