Hi, I need to lose weight. I have a history of dramatic weight loss and then dramatically flaming out from going too hard. Ever since puberty I have been overweight. Sometimes more so than others. I was the only one in my family who struggled with weight and my parents were great with giving me good habits. But still I am overweight. I love climbing mountains, kayaking, and archery even though I have asthma. My husband is an athlete and very thin. I had a sleeve gastrectomy when I was 19. It was successful and I lost a ton of weight. But slowly over the past 10 years have gained about 60-75% back. Every so often I would feel bad about myself and starve myself for a few days as punishment. A couple of years ago I went very hard on CICO and lost about 30 pounds, but I went way too hard. I had an eating disorder. I tracked obsessively, was fixated on having a 1000 calorie deficit. I had a 15,000 step a day goal and saw that as my minimum. I looked good but I was scared all the time. I am anemic as well, so I was in a bad place with that. I ended up getting really sick and it took me about 6 months to recover. My asthma got dramatically worse, too. My hair fell out and I had tooth problems and vitamin deficiency problems from years of malnourishment.
But even with all that, I was getting better. I learned to maintain my weight to a certain degree and was in a much better mental space. When covid hit, I was fine with my daily walks. But I live in a rural place with severe lockdowns. It was hard to get fresh food reliably. I got stressed and regained my 30 pounds. Last time I stepped on my scale and realized how bad it was, I starved myself. I measured every calorie and my husband became alarmed. We talked and came to the conclusion that counting calories is dangerous for my mental health. It does work. But without constant supervision I very quickly jump to starvation mode. Really, it’s too triggering for me to do it. In other areas of my life I am doing really well. I like my job, I just landed a competitive spot on a course at my dream university. My family life is good and I love my friends. I can’t jeopardize the rest of my life by my disordered eating and thoughts. But I need to lose weight. I am sitting around 250 pounds and I have been stuck. But… I have tried something new that maaaybeeee a good thing? Instead of counting down, I am trying to have as many fresh fruits and veggies as I want. When I am tempted to starve myself, I have an apple or a few blueberries. I’ll have berries with my morning coffee and an orange before lunch. I’ll have a banana when I’m super crashy in the afternoon. I have frozen berries with or without milk on top for dessert. I am adding extra veggies to everything. And I am NOT weighing myself. I am not counting. I can’t right now.
Two days ago I put on a pair of jeans that I haven’t worn in a few weeks and they were looser! It feels good. I’m not hungry or bloated. I have more energy throughout the day. And I want it to continue! The best part is that I didn’t torture myself to do it. This is a big community, and I wondered if any of you have ideas for positive inclusions I would love to hear them!
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