I have a lot of resentment towards my family. They were all pretty emotionally abusive towards me when it came to my weight and body. Subtly saying things to me that they thought were subliminal messages, but they came in loud and clear. If I had been raised to respect myself more and have better boundaries, I likely would have stopped speaking to them/being around them a long, long time ago.
There’s an added layer of resentment now because I dealt with chronic illness (undiagnosed autoimmune that almost completely disabled me, but is thankfully now diagnosed and treated so I’m doing much better) and all of the people I had always supported couldn’t seem to manage even the slightest attempt at compassion or empathy during the most terrible time of my life. I barely speak to any of them. My cousins have mostly stopped speaking to me. They’re all a lot younger than me, but they pretty much blatantly ignore me now. I believe it’s because people said really bad things about me while I was sick, so they look down at me. Like I’m not “cool” anymore. It’s really immature but it hurts my feelings because I practically raised them. But whatever.
My grandma currently lives with them, and I haven’t seen her in a few months. I live two hours away and don’t feel like traveling so far to be mostly miserable and suffer mentally when I get home from being around them and not saying the shit I actually want to. Pretending like everything is fine like the sociopaths they are. I feel like a terrible person for not going to see my grandma, but I honestly can’t stomach to be around anyone. And I’m trying really hard to stay on my weight loss journey. I’m only a little over two weeks in. My goal is to lose all my excess weight in two years. I’m still in the threes, which kills me. I haven’t been able to break out of them for years. The moment I do I am coming on here to celebrate. But I feel like I don’t want to be around my family until I am further into my weight loss journey and am feeling more mentally well. maybe I just need to know I am doing well and can continue to do well. Being in the threes for a few years has completely derailed me.
All of this is to say, I feel bad, but it feels like the right thing for me. If you’re in the same boat, you’re not alone.
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