I hit my highest weight ever today and cried until I got sick.

Hi there!

28F / 5’8” / SW-CW: 241

Where do I start? Prior to the pandemic, my life was very different. I was cruising along on a weight loss journey, hitting Onederland for the first time since I was 16, I felt great, and I was crushing my career, settling into being a wife in a rocky marriage, and learning how to be a homeowner.

Then…March 2020.

Everything in my life fell apart.

I’ve changed jobs for the better, filed for divorce, moved twice, started and graduated intense 3x week therapy, met someone new and fell in love, started graduate school, got stuck on a long term project with an aggressive coworker, and moved to an apartment that has had all major appliances break, including the furnace in a northern climate in early winter, in the three months I’ve lived here.

Somewhere in all this, my health became the lowest priority. And everything else fell with it. My mood, my focus at work, my desire to care for myself or my relationships.

I woke up to it recently — I felt so much better about life and even a DIVORCE despite the pandemic because I was caring for myself actively. Hell, my boyfriend and I met BECAUSE of our shared love for weightlifting.

So I decided to get back “on track.” Especially because he was getting back into a healthy lifestyle too, and reminding me that I could do it because I have before.

I know what foods my body likes and thrives on, I know what exercises I like, I know how much water and sleep and meditation I need. I just stopped giving a crap. The world was on fire, who cares what I do?

I cared, once. And I care again. And this time around, I have a partner who cares about me too instead of acting like my diet was an inconvenience and was just to guilt him for his food choices.

So, feeling good, I stepped on the scale just to see what has happened.

I gained it all back plus 5 pounds.

I cried. Normally I tell myself to buck up, but this time I let myself be sad. I felt the disappointment. The embarrassment. The abject sadness. I got sick. But I also had a thought. That I can fix this. I’m the only one who can. And I apologized to myself for neglecting me, for letting a coworker bullying me manifest in unhealthy food choices and oversleeping and just generally robbing me of my happiness. I realized it was a form of dealing with my feelings. This time, though, instead of getting angry and calling myself names and withholding nutrition as penance like I used to, I’ve chosen to be gentle and kind.

I filled up my water bottle and made this post. I don’t know what my goals are ultimately. I’m still thinking about that. But, for today, my goal is to revive my loseit app, take my measurements, and hydrate. I can do this, I’ve done it before. But this time I’m doing it out of love for me and my future and not out of disgust with my body and fear that I won’t be loved unless I’m a single digit dress size.

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