I want to lose 30-35 lbs. At 5’4”, this would put me around 135-140 lbs at my goal weight. I know why I want this number. This is where my body has felt its healthiest. I am able to run and dance without pain and injury. I’m not even married to that number. I just want to exercise pain-free and injury-free again. Everything has gotten so much harder with the weight I’ve gained.
I’m scared of what kind of comments this weight loss will trigger others to say about me. I don’t want comments about losing weight, and I worry what kind of effect they would have on me. The last time I was at this weight, people close to me made comments about me being unhealthy and too skinny. I hate these comments. They make me feel like I am mentally unwell, that I am treating myself poorly, that I can’t take care of myself, that I can’t trust myself. One of the reasons I’ve put on weight is just to get people to stop talking about my body.
Ever since those comments, it’s made me hesitant to chase after weight loss and exercise goals that I personally know are good for me, but other people have deemed unhealthy. I worry that they are right, that I am being too hard on my body physically for being athletic. That being too invested in a sport or nutrition that supports my athletic goals means I am obsessive and mentally unwell.
When I think about the things I want to do for myself, it is to eat more produce and move more. When I think objectively about this, I don’t think these are unreasonable goals. But when I think about taking on this lifestyle again, I worry it’s too radical for the people that surround me. “Radical” meaning running a 5k a couple times a week. “Radical” meaning salads for lunch.
I hate that I allow other people’s feelings about my physical appearance so much more concern over what I intuitively know is best for my own health. How do I get over these comments? How do I find the confidence to believe in my own inner voice, that I know what makes me feel good? How do I trust my own gut instincts on what I need to do to feel good in my body, and not what other people think about me?
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