SW: 360 lbs CW: 340 lbs GW: idk human sized Stats: 23F, 5’5”
Hello my life is a mess, but i am trying to find small things that i can do that don’t aggravate a panic attack, an eating disorder binge or purge, or.. well, you know :)
Quick backstory: My relationship with food is pretty abusive, i would say. I’ve progressed enough in therapy to find that i use food as a weapon, a self pubishment, and comfort. I rarely eat because I’m actually hungry, because the cocktail of medication I use actually removes my sense of appetite till late at night.
(TW)Growing up, I didn’t really get to learn how a regular person eats. My therapist believes my mom had some kind of feeder thing, because every man she ever shacked up with gained 100+ lbs during their relationship. And when she was single, it was me. I wasn’t allowed to “diet” because food is so great, and she would hide the salads and stuff I’d try to buy growing up so that they would rot before i could eat them. She also forbade me from going outside and stuff, but long story short by the time i was 18 and leaving for college, i was 5’5”, 260 lbs.
Current: I am now 23. I tried learning how a person eats in college, but i was supporting myself through it and i was living on around $400-600/mo. So i used food as a luxury,reward,comfort and punishment system, again, but obviously that hasn’t help me.
I crept up to 360 at some point in the last couple of years. When things were good and i had a great care team and support group, I committed to losing weight. Calorie counting, all that. I dropped a steady 20 lbs, but after a certain point the calorie counting started to give me nightmares, and then i stopped eating enough to the point to where i could see the calorie input go down and i had more control over it. My therapist and then-bf ended up suggesting i delete it, and my PCP diagnosed me with aggressive PCOS, which explained the insulin and weight loss issues i was experiencing.
Now everything is bad. I have a new therapist, but we’re tackling bigger fish. But i notice how out of control my eating is. Sure, I stopped drinking soda, and stopped eating out everyday. But i also buy candy at least every other day. My job has non stop free hot chocolate, of which i get 3x a day. I don’t even fucking taste the food that i binge!
Anyways.. while my care team is trying to figure out what to do with me, I’m looking for small things i can do without calorie counting using an app. The last two times i tried calorie counting, i was almost pink slipped :) so my brain is a catastrophe.
So far here’s my ideas:
- hot chocolates at work > tea w/ honey. I’m just cold when i get it, tbh.
- at home binging > i like eating a lot of something. So far as far as snacks to stock, I’m thinking carrots? I also liked those veggie straw crisp things
- meal replacements? My biggest problem is when i come home at the end of the day. I’m honestly considering trying that soylent stuff, because when i see slimfast i get nightmares.
Thanks for reading, and sorry
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