It feels like when you break a good streak and lose all motivation to start over. The best analogy I can think of is one of those endless games, like Tetris, where you have a really high score accumulated and then lose but it kills all motivation to start a new game because you know it's unlikely you'll do as well as the last time.
I knew to expect higher calorie days around Thanksgiving. I knew I'd miss a couple of workouts (I'd only missed one of my 4/week since I started in September). I did the math and figured that as long as my averages over a few weeks stayed close to my goals I would be okay. I told myself that as long as I didn't gain real weight during Thanksgiving I was still on track, and after the water weight went away I'd actually lost half a pound compared to my last weigh in.
But there are so many social events coming up, and the last bit of the semester is finally catching up with me. Though I was able to prioritize time for the gym (even when I debated on using the time to study instead), it's starting to feel like one more thing I need to do and I'll never catch up with. Though I was able to stay around my calorie budget at least tolerating the hunger for the first few weeks and I decided to increase my intake by 100cal/day, the hunger is getting to me now.
I used to look at my numbers for how I've stayed on track and feel accomplished. Sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) I panicked looking at an unusually high intake day and then I'd try to compensate over the next few days to make the numbers work. Sometimes I deliberately kept the weekdays under the goal so I could indulge during the weekends. However, as social events pile on it's harder to do everything. I can't say I'll have 3 days to make up for one high intake day or squeeze in an extra workout. If I try to compensate in less time I just feel miserable. And I apparently can't just forgive myself for a day here or there and just carry on. I beat myself up about it because I was finally doing something that worked and resent myself for sabotaging the progress.
After staring at the spreadsheet where I plan my meals and keep track of my intake for way too long, playing with the numbers, changing my intake plan for the next few weeks, typing in tentative meals for the days I can control and estimates for the days I can't, I feel overwhelmed. I'm traveling in December and I'll be 3 weeks away from being able to control my intake and my workouts. I can monitor and estimate as much as possible, try bodyweight exercises and turn away the occasional treat, but I'm worried I won't be able to keep losing weight.
On yet another level, I can't seem to do this intuitively. It's like if I don't obsess a little (which I do), and spend hours (way more than necessary) trying to stick to the plan, I can't get results. I can't just make a plan of what I'll do, I have to keep checking to see how much of what I wrote down I actually did, figuring out what I need to do in the next few days to stay on track... While I realize weight loss wasn't supposed to be easy, and that it would take work, I don't like how time consuming it's becoming for me. Not because meal planning or food/exercise logging are inherently time consuming (they aren't), but because I make them, by going back over all the numbers and obsessing over every measurement of progress.
I'm considering changing the plan to just maintaining because it frankly feels like a more attainable goal. Though I still have a few more pounds to go, the higher likelihood of reaching the goal of not gaining weight makes it more appealing than the disappointment of planning to lose and failing. I think part of the problem is that I am giving up control of my time and my food, so I guess I'm trying to take some control back by changing my plan to something I can stick to.
Is this reasonable at all or am I just making excuses?
On a maybe related note, I had all of this data on an app with my body composition measurements and when I accidentally deleted the entire data set from my first appointment I freaked out. I used to look at my progress and feel good about it, but after deleting it I can't look at it anymore. I didn't delete my progress, just the numbers showing the streak I had going on and it upset me so much I'm reconsidering my initial plan to make another appointment early next year.
Weight loss plan and progress so far:
- Maintained at ~140lbs for a very long time, but over the last 2-3years that number crept up by about 20lbs. I was more or less maintaining, but my attempts to lose weight with just exercise showed very little in the way of results.
- Finally admitted I needed outside help this summer. In September, I signed up for 4 sessions with a personal trainer and met with a registered dietitian. Started out at 162lb and 29% body fat. The goal is to reach 138lb and 20% body fat.
- By the dietitian's math (which I'm positive was wrong, but that's a rant for a different day), my TDEE was ~2000cal/day [actually should have been closer to 2300], so she recommended switching to 1600. I stuck to this plan for 6 weeks, and stood at 152lb, 26% when I checked in with my trainer.
- I figured that being halfway through, I could increase my intake to 1700cal/day and keep this up for another 6 weeks or so, gradually adding another 100cal/day every 6 weeks or so, hoping to reach maintenance calories around the time I hit my goal weight.
- Last week would have been week 6 of eating at 1700cal/day, but Thanksgiving was significantly worse than I anticipated. I considered giving myself another couple of weeks to bring my average down to 1700 and with three different events this weekend alone I already know I won't make it.
- Current weight is 147lb, and body fat percentage was at 24% a couple weeks ago.
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