I've recently had weight loss surgery and lost a lot of weight.
My weight has fluctuated all my life, and I've managed to lose weight briefly at times before exploding back bigger than ever-- hence my decision to get weight loss surgery. The surgery was successful. I've lost 45 pounds in the last two months and I'm on track to be thinner than I've ever been in my adult life.
The other day I met up with a particularly outgoing and expressive friend. While with her I realized that despite looking and feeling better than I've felt in many years, I couldn't bring myself to feel confident and outgoing. Especially when posing for photos, I felt this insane mental restriction that prevented me from being goofy, happy, or even smiling. I don't know what I was afraid of? Maybe that I'd be the fat guy embarrassing himself? I still feel like someone who weighs closer to 300 lbs than someone approaching 200lbs. I still feel out of place and that I'm taking up too much space. I still feel ugly and undesirable. My anxiety and nervousness made me so lame to hang out with and I felt like I ruined the day.
I know it's irrational. I look in the mirror and see a reasonably handsome guy that has a reasonably normal body. I believe I'm a very nice, albeit very quiet, good person. Over the years I've lost confidence in myself and became very low-volume and soft-spoken. I feel extreme anxiety being around large groups of people because I've always thought that I didn't look like them and didn't know how to be like *them*.
In time, I'm sure I can learn to feel the way I look. But for now, in my mind, I'm still that tubby quiet loner.
Anyway, just needed to get that out there because I'm hoping I'm not the only one and therapists are expensive.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2r8058I
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