Hi guys! Quick two-part disclaimer! I wasn't sure what the right place was for this; r/relationships, r/offmychest; or r/loseit, and in the end kind of settled on this place because it has so many layers to it and I feel like the main heart of it is my weight loss journey. Please forgive me if this was the wrong place to post because I really truly wrestled with it! I also have a problem with being wordy, so I'm hoping i can make up for that with nice formatting? Maybe?
CONTEXT
I started my weight loss journey on 3/20/18 at 255 lbs (~115.66 kg) as a 5'8" (~173 cm) woman. I'm 26. I've struggled with anxiety, depression, OCD, my weight, and basic coordination my whole life. I started an antidepressant which has helped me in every way imaginable and put me in a place where I could start making my weight a priority. Thanks in part to subreddits like this one, I had lost about 65 lbs/~ 29.5 kg and was down to 190 lbs when I met my current boyfriend just after Thanksgiving in November, who I'll just call "BF."
- BF: He's a swole, full-course meal. He has muscle on muscle on muscle. He knows a lot about fitness, lifting, nutrition, etc. He eats low carb, doesn't really touch white flour or sugar, is at the gym for an hour plus three days a week with more determined consistency than the US Postal service, etc. He works in software development, and he's a pretty analytical, no-nonsense, self-motivated, stoic dude. While I'm not saying lifting weights or fitness is easy for him, he's been an active person all his life and has never experienced being more than a few pounds overweight without a hefty amount of muscle to go with it. He's at the stage of his life where he's been doing it for a long time, and most of his healthy choices are reflex. He feels dissatisfied and restless if he misses a day of gym due to illness. It's critical to note that he moved to the US from a former Soviet republic in his teenage years and while he now speaks English fluently, we sometimes have language barrier problems or cultural miscommunications we have to patiently negotiate.
- ME: In contrast, I'm emotional and lazy and sugar-addicted. I have been using MyFitnessPal and guesstimation to calorie count my way out of obesity. Calorie counting has gradually turned into eating more veggies, eating less carbs and sugar, increasing my water intake, being conscious of fiber and protein, etc., all in tiny delicate baby steps that feel wonderfully and shockingly sustainable long-term. But really, as long as I can stay in my daily calorie allowance and drag my body slug-style forwards towards my goals, I'm fine with Scrooge McDuck-style diving into piles of sugar because I know I will keep improving my habits over time. Really, my weight loss journey really has been a combination of me slowly building up healthy habits and also just slowly replacing my *shittiest* habits with *slightly less shitty* habits. As anecdotal reference, up until recently I was eating frozen PB&J sandwiches straight from the freezer (why wait for them to thaw?) every night like a fucking monster until I realized they were a binge trigger and stopped buying them, and that was like, a huge, parade-worthy realization that made me feel totally fitness woke. I love hiking in the spring, summer, and fall and going for walks, but besides that, the gym and working out is the farthest thing from my mind.
Context Section TL;DR: BF is a ripped fitness monk, I'm an anxious overweight trash-panda.
RECENTLY
BF and I got serious pretty quickly. He's so different from me, but we complement each other well. I told him about my weight loss on our first date, which I initially meant to keep private. He was really complimentary and supportive. After talking about how dedicated I was as well as describing much more gently everything I just told you about me above, he started getting involved in my fitness journey a few weeks later.
He writes up workouts for me on post-it notes. He works out three days a week consistently on the same days and around the same time, and he started contacting me after his work outs to make sure I did them too. I have skipped a day twice, and he always reacts with some light-hearted shaming. He calls me "sneaky" and uses the goofy pet name he uses for me.
I complained once about not losing weight for a week (probably because I suddenly started rigorously working out, or was on my period, or I forgot my weekly goat sacrifice). He reassured me, and has since started checking in on my weight loss every Saturday to get an update.
He'll make little remarks about if I eat bread at dinner, or take too much rice, etc. I don't want to be in a controlling relationship, and sometimes when it feels like he's being too overbearing, I'll push back and say that if I want x, if I have the calories for it, I'll eat x. Of course it still makes me feel guilty and self-conscious and like an out-of-control brat, and part of me appreciates his insistence because it helps remind me not to binge and be aware of my carb or sugar intake.
He has bought me fitness-related gifts, like fitness bands, a supplement, and just yesterday for Valentine's Day, a heart-rate monitor for when I run. He had told me about his intentions to get me a heart-monitor before, and I told him I didn't think I'd use one or necessarily want one, but I wouldn't not use it if he got it for me.
I'm now down a few more pounds since I met him, 179 lbs/~81.2 kg, which he thinks is great. He'll tell me he can notice a difference since he met me, and he'll add that I'll look even better if I keep at it.
Problem Section TL;DR: BF is helping me with my diet and fitness in ways I didn't necessarily ask for or want.
THOUGHTS / HELP?
He just texted me again joking asking if I'm excited for my work out tonight (he knows I don't enjoy it) and I'm just dreading it. To be honest I'm kind of at a loss.
I am so grateful for his support and help. I've never dated someone with this level of fitness, expertise, or concern about my health. I do really want to get better. Ideally I'll get down to my first goal weight of 160 lbs, hopefully my final goal weight of 145 lbs... I'd like to work out consistently every week, eat better, be more healthy. I do want to work out more. I just don't know if I want to work out three days a week for an hour plus each time. My knees are fucked up after my high weight and an injury, and they've been really bothering me the last week when I work out. I just feel so avoidant and frustrated. Part of me just wants to go back to happily calorie counting and my small improvements over time.
His constant weight check-ins motivate me, but they also make me consistently worry that he's not into me physically. He's "not into super skinny girls," which is a direct quote. He occasionally compliments my appearance. He's just super stoic, and I know I have issues with anxiety and self-confidence. He could stop helping me with fitness and text me hourly love notes and I'm worried I'm crazy enough it still wouldn't be enough.
Weight loss and fitness is such a big part of our relationship now, and sometimes it makes me feel distant from him.
I feel overwhelmingly guilty when I don't meet his expectations. I just don't know what's healthy or real. Am I just avoiding working out because I'm lazy? Why would I ask him to let up when I'm basically getting free personal training? I said I would love his help, and in his super fit, kind, analytical brain, he put A and B together and is giving me C, where he helps me with fitness in the way he knows will get me the results I want. I really do think he's doing this to be kind to me. He researches all kinds of things for me and sends me videos when we're apart demonstrating exercises he wants me to try.
Fitness is something he is confident about and experienced in. It's a HUGE part of his life that he enjoys sharing with me. How do I ask him to step back kindly while not making him feel like I'm rejecting him or ungrateful? Do I even ask him to step back at all? If I eventually want to get more into fitness once I lose weight, why wouldn't I just do it now? How do I suck it up?
Weight loss is hard. I'm having to renegotiate so many things in my life. It has been so worth it. This just is a new problem life has thrown at me that I'm trying to work through and don't necessarily immediately know how to deal with.
Thanks for listening to me. I'm really grateful.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2SCDMZf
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