tl;dr: just some aimless ramblings by a lurker looking for a way to find the motivation to continue losing.
32F | 5'7" | SW:217 | CW:176 | GW:150(ish)
I have been a lurker in the sub for a very long time. I have never posted as I have always had in the back of my mind that I would post when I was successful. However my definition of 'success' I think is wrong. For one, I have been successful - I have lost and maintained around a 40lbs weight loss over the last 5-6 years. However I don't feel successful as I have never reached my goal weight. The weight I deem myself to be acceptable at. I get close to it and I sabotague myself without even realising. I start giving myself treats and not worrying about logging correctly for that day. The weight starts to creep up again and I ignore it until I know I am back around 180 and I go back to maintaining. I lose the will power to try go back down the scales again. The worst part of all of it is that I know I can do it if I could just get out of my own way. I know what calories I need to eat to lose, I know what exercise I can do to help and stay healthy. I know I have done it before and it works. I just don't.
What has actually made me write this post today is that I noticed myself being annoyed at posts of people detailing their weight loss achievements because I am so disappointed with myself right now. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I want to be happy for people that are achieving their goals because you are all fucking awesome. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself that I'm not doing the same and also to stop being so fucking hard on myself all the time. I want to stop focusing on everything i'm doing wrong and start learning how to celebrate the little victories. The biscuit I didn't take. The stairs I walked up instead of the lift. Cooking something at home instead of ordering take out.
However, where I struggle is part of me is also scared that I don't really want to lose the weight. It's weirdly part of my identity. I was always a heavy kid and I just feel like I will always see myself as heavy even if I do reach my goal weight. I don't hate myself and the way I look now after losing the initial 40lbs, however I almost feel like I need to be disgusted with myself in order to get the drive to get to my goal weight. Then I give myself a hard time for making excuses for not committing. The joy of an endless pointless cycle, thanks brain!
So basically I wanted to say that I am super struggling and I don't know how to move forward but I think that's ok, I don't have to be super hard on myself that I don't have all the answers. I would also like to stop being a lurker here and engage in the community more and talk to people about how they have achieved their goals but also help people who may be struggling just like I am right now.
If you got to the end thanks for reading :) whatever stage of this journey you are at - just remember you're awesome.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2SwUzgh
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