Hey everyone! This is a new account but I’ve lurked on and off here for years. I finally decided to post because I truly need advice, guidance, help, criticism, pretty much anything you want to offer me for my betterment.
I’ve always struggled with weight issues. I was a very chubby child. When I was in the fourth grade I was sexually assaulted a few times by another child. These incidents led to me first experiencing depression and the first memories I now have of using food for comfort and relief.
I began gaining more weight around then. When I graduated HS I was somewhere between 265 - 280 pounds. I’m 5’8” for reference.
After HS I had ups and downs. In a lot of ways I improved my life - but one thing always remained, and that was my never ending issues with food. No matter how well I did in some areas of my life, I continued to have anxiety and depression and more weight gain. I started developing health issues and a deeper depression because of my looks/health/mobility issues. I developed mild PVD and my legs started swelling all of the time, along with varicose veins and bad knees/ankles. Working became difficult so I was and am now stuck with a desk job from home.
So I’m now at around a high weight of 361.2 pounds. As far as my mental health, there are no therapists near me that accept my insurance, but I’m working on finding one about two hours away. I’ll drive there if I have to. I also started the millionth journey for the proper medication.
My issue of starting this weight loss journey is understanding my food issues.
I read Never Binge Again which I gained a lot of wisdom from but practicing - well, it doesn’t work for me. Just telling my lower brain no doesn’t seem to be quite enough. It doesn’t help me lose weight.
I’ve tried abstinence from foods that cause cravings and it leads to stress and anxiety attacks almost.
Moderation in calorie counting leads to failure as well. I have a little of something and I just crave more.
It seems like finding the right thing for me is a frustrating battle that I tend to lose. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I’m weirdly anxious when it comes to changing, though. I want lines drawn in the sand but I also want freedom. I want something I can live with forever but also something I can adjust if I need to.
This is where I hope I’m making some sense. Basically I’m saying that I have no idea what to do. Lol I overthink and then I don’t do anything.
I was hoping for a perspective from the community here. I’m not sensitive about my weight and I don’t mind if you want to be harsh or blunt. I don’t mind if you want to be more empathetic. Just tell me how someone like me should begin.
Abstinence... moderation... lifestyle change... anti diet... it all blurs together.
What’s best?
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