I admit I have fallen into disordered eating.

(I apologize for the terrible format)

I've basically been overweight my whole life. I think the highest weight I've ever been was around 190 lbs when I was around 10-12 years old as I had a terrible, unhealthy diet and did little to no exercise. I was basically obese. I understand that my weight gain is hugely my fault, but I believe my parents enabled it as well. I come from a Filipino background, and I moved to America when I was quite young. My parents did little to help me in my weight loss when I was younger. White rice was always on the menu, and I would eat it every day with no knowledge of portion control. My parents and I myself justified my overeating with the idea that we should be grateful for being able to even have money to eat food as we struggled financially in the Philippines.

Anyways, my whole weight loss journey, which started in January, started off healthy. I ate healthier and tried to exercise at least 3 times a week. Then I got into calorie counting, downloaded My Fitness Pal, fasting, and I've down spiraled into disordered eating. I make my own meals, so I know just how many calories I'm eating, and I avoid eating out at restaurants where they don't have their nutritional information. I've lost about 50 lbs since the beginning of the year. I know calorie counting and fasting are not immediate signs of having an eating disorder, but I've definitely abused these weight loss methods. I restrict myself to 500-900 calories a day, and I get anxious when I go over 1000 calories because I feel like I've binged. My whole relationship with food has COMPLETELY changed. I fear the thought of gaining back the weight. I've developed a mental set of "safe foods" and "fear foods." My "safe" and "fear" foods would constantly change.

I'm looking back at it, and I realized I definitely had a binge eating problem when I was younger. I would plan out what I would binge on at night, go to the kitchen, get the food, and eat it in my room in privacy even when I wasn't even remotely hungry. I felt so guilty eating so ravenously and with no absolute control. Now, I feel like I have control in what I'm eating.

My family has been getting very angry at me for restricting. Today, I had a protein shake and a hard boiled egg for dinner (after working out), and they got angry at me. They warn me that I'll get stomach ulcers if I keep doing what I'm doing. My mom, especially, gets mad at me, saying that I'm getting too skinny, I need to stop losing weight, and that I need to eat more. I honestly would eat more, but my stomach has shrunk so much (I think that's a myth though?) that I can get full from eating 500-900 calories a day.

Food and exercise is always on my mind, and I feel so stuck. I hate how anxious I get with the calories I consume and how much carbs I take in. I want to eat food without the urge of logging in my calories, but I get extremely paranoid when I don't. I hate this mindset that I'm living in, but I can't stop.

Please don't slip into disordered eating. It's terrible.

submitted by /u/lycheethrowaway
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