Journey to Love Myself

I’m 17F, 5’5, small framed and 185lb. 185lb... a number that I’ve told no one, until now.

All my life I’ve always been slightly chubby but as a kid I never really cared since it wasn’t anything CRAZY and plus... I was a kid.

Although coming from an Asian background where looks are about 90% important, I’ve always been told that I’m fat/ugly by people in my own family, and that if I just lost SOME weight I’d look so much better.

So growing up into my teens my self-esteem has always been rock bottom and I’ve always thought that once I become skinny life would become ‘perfect’. I’ve tried nearly every fad diet that you can think of from eggs to weetabix to water fasting. If it promised quick results... I’ve tried it. Even though I knew how damaging and unsustainable those diets were I just didn’t CARE. I was so SICK of living in my own body. I was so sick of feeling like the ‘ugly’ one amongst friends, feeling as though everyone was looking at me and how fat I am... I was willing to do whatever it took, no matter how unhealthy, to try and achieve this ‘dream’ body.

Of course, they didn’t work. It just became an endless cycle of fad dieting, being miserable, thinking fuck this, binging, feeling shitty about my body and the vicious cycle continued. I came to a point where I thought, ‘You know what? Fuck this. I don’t care.’ and I genuinely stopped caring about my appearance, to the extent I’d even refuse to buy myself nice clothes because ‘I’d look ugly in that anyway...’

Deep down, really, I was just masking the pain I was really in and the hatred that I had for my body, that I still have even to this day.

Laying in bed here at 12am, I feel TIRED. I feel TIRED of hating myself, of limiting myself to just my appearance and limiting myself from enjoying my life. So tonight, I’ve decided, I want to take my life back and it starts from NOW. Not next week, not tomorrow but from NOW. I want to finally help myself be in a place where not only am I healthier on a physical level but also mentally.

All these years, I’ve been trying to lose weight in order to try and please/impress others and that’s where I’ve been going wrong.

Weight loss isn’t a race but rather a marathon. It isn’t for anyone else but ME. I want to finally let myself be happy. No more fad diets, no more listening to others.

It’s time I gave myself a real chance and hopefully by posting on here (to whoever may be reading), it can give me the motivation to keep going and maybe even motivate someone else.

I know it won’t be easy, but I’m done hating myself. From today, I’m on a journey to LOVE MYSELF.

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