I thought this was going to be my year, but I failed... again.

**warning, this is really long, and for that I am sorry, just please bear with me**

I am a 26y/o female. I have had weight problems my entire life, and have tried various different methods of weight loss. I know all about weight-loss being a lifestyle change and how it't not really a "one-size-fits-all". But I've tried so many. Here is the list of what I have tried:

-Good old fashioned working out and watching portion sizes.
-Gym membership/ personal trainer
-Noom
-Zeal for life
-Shakeology/21 day fix
-Intermittent Fasting.
-Paleo
-Veganism
-Pescetarianism
-Vegetarian
-Gluten free

You name it, I have tried it. The only one that got me real results was Noom, and IF. I started IF in 2018 but stopped shortly after because I think I was losing weight due to not being able to consume enough calories in the 8 hour window. I was worried about the types of effects that would have on my health, and so I stopped.

In the beginning of this year, I got really sick and I was in awful pain for a couple of weeks, I always thought it was something I was eating, like dairy or gluten. So I limited what I ate, and took a lot of otc pain killers. Then one night it got so bad, i was up for over 36 hours just bawling my eyes out when I wasn't dozing off. I finally went to my husband and decided that I should go to the hospital and I was seen right away. I ended up getting admitted for 1 week, and had 3 procedures done. ERCP to remove gallstones that blocked my liver and caused me to become jaundice, and they placed a stent. (the stones are what was causing unbearable back pain), then I had my gallbladder removed which was supposed to be laparoscopic but they ended up needing to cut me open because it was so bad, and the final procedure, which was another ERCP to remove the stent. It was then that I decided that I never wanted to feel that badly again and so I signed up for Noom and started the process. I went from 245 lbs, to 216 lbs. in 1.5 months. I felt great!

Then there was a rough patch in my marriage (all is fine now, my husband ended up needing to start a couple of medications for anxiety and depression) but that rough patch threw me through hell. I gave up my diet, turned to my only source of comfort (food) but told myself that "i deserved this little break" and that "i would get right back on the horse after a few days" but those few days turned into a week. then into 2 weeks, and here we are 5.5 months later, and I am back up to my pre-weight loss weight. I hate myself.

Why can I never stick to anything? So many serious illnesses (diabetes, cancer, crohns, etc) run in my family and I am terrified of them. I have a 4 year old daughter that I want to live for. I have a husband who I love and who I want to live life with. I have so many self-esteem issues, and would love to feel even just a bit better about myself than I do now. I have all of these reasons to lose weight, but I have absolutely zero motivation to start again, because I know I will always fail. I don't understand why I can't stick to something. Why I have next to no self discipline and why weight loss is only easy when my life is going well.

But I am 26 y/o and I don't want to spend my life like this. I have a feeling that 30's is where its at and I want to enjoy those, and not feel like this for the rest of my life. So how do I do it? I have absolutely zero support (like no friends, at all, due to antisocial-ness/introverted-ness) I can't afford a gym membership/personal trainer, (not that I would use it, I tried before). I cannot afford counselling. I feel like all hope is lost.

I sincerely apologize for the pity story, I am just having a really crappy day after realizing the low that I've come to. My breakfast was 3 donuts and 2 pizza pockets. I am pathetic. But I really do not want to live like this anymore.

So here is my question, how do you keep yourself motivated, even when life gets in the way? How do you control yourself when you are consistently around temptations? How do you change your lifestyle permanently? How do you get over your fear of new self esteem issues (like the loose skin that I will definitely have)? How do you allow yourself to make mistakes, but then pick yourself up and try again? (I have that Aaliyah song in my head now, haha)

If you took the time to read my novel, I sincerely appreciate it. I'm not here looking for attention or sympathy, I'm here looking for answers because I have no idea where to turn to now. So thank you for your time :)

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