Sharing an experience I had today in hopes that it provides perhaps a sense of peace or positivity to some of you. Because even though it started negative it ultimately did for me.
Background: M/30/5’9 SW: 415 CW: 245.
Today I absolutely lost control.
Like many others I’m working from home. I took a break for lunch. I had leftover pizza. I intended to have 2 slices. Before I realized I had eaten all 4. Then, even though not being hungry anymore, I made a sandwich. And of course while eating that sandwich I had some tortilla chips and dip to go with it. I just kept going.
It felt like an out of body experience. I’m watching myself eat and I’m not even enjoying it. I’m full, quickly approaching discomfort but kept eating. It started to bring back waves of those old feelings of fear and despair.
This vicious binge eating/lack of control to be a regular, practically daily occurrence in my past. When I finally stopped, I was scared. The intensity of my emotions immediately after were shocking. Usually these binges were followed by guilt, shame, self deprecation. But I just paused. And reflected. I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed when I went to go eat lunch but I suspect underneath the surface there’s the anxiety many of us are experiencing with COVID-19. My fears/anxieties are primarily over losing my job.
Ultimately I came to realize I haven’t lost control like that in over a year. I routinely go over caloric budget, but willingly as life is balance. I’m now very mindful of what I eat. And that reflection of this brought peace.
Mindfulness and coming to terms with my anxieties that I ignored have been the keys to steady, sustainable weight loss success. I’ve come to accept that this is who I am. For rest of my life I will have to be mindful about my complicated relationship to food & my emotions.
I hope that doesn’t sound scary to some, especially if you’re just starting out. Because when I first started the notion of “I will have to be vigilant my whole life?” would have left me dejected because it felt so hard at the time. But it been the missing puzzle piece. The thing that after years and years of failure has brought me control & balance. And that control has given me an indescribable amount of peace the past few years. I don’t beat myself when I stumble anymore. I’m just so appreciative of how much I’ve grown.
Be Well.
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