I have been 300 pounds for about a year. I have been maintaining the weight, no higher, no lower- not even of my choice, I just happen to have not gotten any bigger. My justification to make myself feel better once I hit that 300 pound mark wasn’t even initial sadness, it was “at least I don’t look 300 pounds.” But I absolutely do. I can’t do it anymore. I just feel so big, my body just feels so tired of carrying my weight around. I’m just so mad that I’m where I am.
Five years ago, I started a weight loss journey- I went from 280 to 180 in a year. I was 16-17 years old, and 280 was the heaviest I had been. After I had lost all that weight, I went through something very traumatic from the age of 17 to 18- I was sent to a religious lockdown facility for depression, where I was treated with 0 respect, dignity, or humanity, and I was SUPPOSED to be there for 19 months but got taken out after 12. When I had returned to my old home with all my old friends, and with this huge traumatic experience under my belt, I just let loose. I used food as the ultimate comforter, and the two years I had been the lowest weight I’d been in years were lost.
It took me a year and a half to gain 120 pounds and get to the grand total of 300, and a year and a half to keep it in the same spot. I don’t mean to do it, I absolutely eat whatever I want- I’m super thankful to have not gotten heavier.
Through this viral outbreak, I’ve decided it’s been enough time. I see my boyfriend of 6 years want to get healthy, and I know I need to get healthy. I will die if I don’t. I want to be small, and beautiful, I want to be proud of my body. Everyone tells me I’m beautiful the way I am, but I know they’re just trying to be nice. There’s nothing beautiful about being 300 lbs. Even my face is affected because my cheeks and extra chin shroud around my bones. When I have sex, I can’t do certain positions, and I hate getting on top of my boyfriend because I feel like I’m squishing him. It’s NOT sexy.
So, my goal weight is 160. I want to reach 160, and stay there. I want to be healthy, I want to live a long life, and if I have kids, I want to break the chain of morbid obesity in my bloodline.
My game plan is to do the keto diet. I’m not sure how long it’ll actually work for, and I don’t even know if I’ll hit a plateau, but I HAVE to do something. My goal is to only eat 1,200 calories a day- which I thought would be insanely hard, but actually it’s been pretty easy!! I’ve literally only been doing this for a day, and when the urge to binge comes, it’ll come hard- but it’s not worth it.
It’s mind over matter. I know that for sure because I haven’t been hungry all day, and I’ve only eaten 532 calories. Also, from where I’ve been sitting most of today, I can smell fresh donuts and icing and glaze, and I don’t even want the food, I just want to taste it and chew it and eat as much as I can- I am trying SO UNBELIEVABLY HARD to not give in. And I’m not giving in. So that’s all it takes. Easier said than done some days, and some days I’ll fail. But I will go into everyday with the mindset that I’m gonna be lighter than the day before. It takes time, and patience, and discipline, and will power, and hard work- I’ve done it once, and I WILL do it again. I refuse to be this way any longer. DAY ONE, a success.
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