I remember many times when I was at my highest weights, the thought came to me: i don't wanna live like this anymore. Eating too much until I feel like shit, not exercising or going outside, not feeling confident or good in my own skin.
Well, I'm feeling that way again. I don't wanna live like this anymore. Counting calories, stressing about my eating, and most of all, feeling hungry. I'm so goddamn hungry all the time. Every meal is a form of suffering because I finish eating according to my calories, but I just feel so hungry. The aching type of hunger is very bearable, it doesn't bother me. But this hunger - one born of being in a nonstop deficit for 3.5 month - is a form of suffering. It's like a vacuum in my core. I'm tired of feeling it all the time. I'm tired of battling with myself to leave the kitchen despite being hungry.
And I've tried all the "feel full!" tricks. Lots of water, volume eating, eating "filling" foods like nuts, and eating nutritious foods (well, this one's not a trick, it's all I eat). They work as a temporary fix, but in the end of the day, my body is in a calorie deficit and it is gonna find a way to let me know that it wants more energy.
So, dear r/loseit, I'm letting go of calorie deficits. For now, at least. I'm 9 pounds over my goal but at this point it's vanity. It's the fantasy of being thin that has, in one way or another, slowly haunted me. But I think that's what it should remain as, a fantasy. It's not who I am. I've always loved food and I've always had thick build. I look fine and more importantly, I'm healthy, my BMI is 22.5. Why am I suffering over this ideal? Will I even be happy when I get there?
I've found a passion for exercise and have been jogging and lifting regularly (I have actual visible muscles now!), so I'm just gonna focus on that instead. It's achievable, it's healthy, it's fun as hell. I'd much rather feel sore than hungry.
All of this is not to say that I'm gonna return to my old eating habits - no way in hell. I'll keep a sharp eye on my intake, I'm still gonna avoid junk and "empty" carbs, and I'm still gonna weigh myself regularly. But by god, I'm NOT gonna be hungry anymore and I'm not gonna count calories. It's been long enough that I have a decent idea of calories anyways.
I just wanna sit down to a meal and not have to think. And I want to leave a meals comfortably satisfied.
Let's see how it goes.
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