Terrible relationship with food even after weight loss. Starting therapy next week.

I (28F) have never openly talked about my struggles with food and I hope this is a good place to open up a little. Prior to Covid, I had lost over 50lbs and although I gained some of it back during quarantine, as soon as my gym opened back up I (safely and with proper precautions such as wearing a mask) started working out again to lose whatever I had gained. I go to the gym a few days a week, and I also stay active by walking and hiking with my dog.

However while staying active hasn’t been a problem, food has become a huge issue for me, especially since it is holiday season. Last year and the year before around this time I was pretty good about sticking to my diet, but this year, it has been so impossible for me to stick to healthy eating habits. Since Thanksgiving, I’ve found myself in a cycle of binging and restricting, and it is so devastating because for a year I had the healthiest eating habits! No fast food, no soda, low carb, intermittent fasting, never binged. All that was what helped me lost the weight I struggled with for so many years. (I have PCOS which initially made it very hard to lose weight.)

Lately, I can’t complete my 18:6 fasting even though when I first did it a year ago I managed to do it so easily. I crave all the carbs, all the soda, all the fast food. I try to ignore the cravings but after hours and hours of thinking about having the fries, I crack and give into my craving. When I go out to get food I get a crap ton of food knowing that after the binge, I’ll be restricting heavily for the next few days so I overindulge. I cannot find my self discipline like I did the first time and I’m becoming so obsessed with restricting, but that usually causes me to not only overeat, but overeat really bad foods.

I know I can’t outrun a bad diet, and if I don’t get my food problem under control, I will gain a lot of weight back, if not all of it. I signed up for therapy with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, and my first appointment is next week. I’m scared because I really don’t want to be diagnosed with BED but I know I need the help before it spirals further out of control.

I really don’t know why this so hard for me when I was so successful the first time. :(

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