Obviously this is a new account because I don't want people I know to read.
My heaviest weight, back when I was a binge eater, was 264 lbs at 5'4. I did some insane things to lose weight, and I realise that back then I was desperate for weight loss, to the point where I was willing to do anything for it. I went to bed every night praying for a disease that would make me lose weight, because I felt powerless.
Weight loss seemed impossible to me. Then something inside me just snapped and I went on a medically-supervised three-week water fast. After that, for three other weeks, I ate nothing but watermelon and apples; and nothing but canned soup with a single hard boiled egg everyday for the other month.
I lost 55 lbs. It was not an easy process, and I wish I was safer and slower about it, but I don't wish the pain and mental torment on anyone. I became addicted to the feeling of powerfulness and being in control, and compliments. I am now maintaining my weight at just about 125 after two years of self imposed starvation, binge eating and laxatives. I am not even close to happy with the way I look. I want that to be good enough for me. Unfortunately, I was told by a man I was very much in love with that the reason he didn't want to iniatie sex or actively touch me was because my body felt "wrong" to him, and not like all the other slimmer/thinner women he's been with. Obviously I ended things with him (to his surprise, somehow??), but I have still not been able to forget that. I am raising our two year old son, which he called a drunk mistake; all by myself.
I have white stretchmarks on my stomach and cellulite and somewhat saggy breasts and I don't think losing weight will help me feel more comfortable in my own skin. My arms are also really big and saggy despite being only 125 lbs. I gained these 25 lbs in my pregnancy.
I just want to tone up, even if it requires surgery and exercise, and even if my weight goes up a bit. I just don't really know what to do. I am at a loss. I don't really feel comfortable with going to a gym because the trainers here are men most of the time and I don't want them looking at or noticing my body. Kinda scared of what men think all the time and hiding in sweaters and hoodies. I am still counting calories but I am eating at my maintaince. What should I do?
TLDR; starved myself to lose 139 lbs in two years, now my whole body is saggy and I want to fix it.
Edit: do you guys have specific workouts or doet tips that I should incorpoate? Also do I absolutely need to eat more than my TDEE to gain muscle?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3qQJpjD
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