hi! so i‘m a 20 year old girl and ever since i got into middle school i wanted to look like a stereotypical supermodel (silly, i know). i went to a school that focused on dance, ballet in particular, and as any of you who did ballet will know that the bullying and toxicity in that environment is brutal. i used to constantly get bullied and excluded for being weird and fat (even though i was never more than 5kg overweight) so because of that and some other messed up reasons i naturally developed an ed and have been struggling with that over the past eight years. i went vegan for ethical reasons at 16 which made me lose those 5 extra kilos and ever since then i‘ve been losing and gaining the same 3-4kg in the healthy weight range but it’s never been substantial.
after years of therapy and learning to love myself it somehow clicked this year. i don’t look at myself in the mirror with disgust anymore, i don’t hate my body, i don’t see food as a reward or punishment anymore and exercise is something that just makes sense for some reason. i’m now at the lowest weight i’ve ever been with my height (181cm/73kg) and i just keep on losing. i feel like it could actually be possible for me to achieve that “supermodel body” and it kinda scares me. i don’t think that i need that body type to be happy or beautiful anymore, i already am happy and beautiful. however i still want to look like that. (mainly just to see how that version of myself that i’ve dreamed of for years would actually look like ngl hahaha)
so why am i scared of that? is it the lose skin? no, it’ll just bounce back since i’m still young and i’m really not losing that much.
is it that i’m scared i’ll become a bully myself? no, i have so much love in me and have forgiven all people who’ve wronged me in some way before so i don’t hold any anger anymore. plus i don’t think anyone should ever be bullied, especially not for their looks.
scared of losing my “safety blanket”? nope, don’t need that anymore. scared that i won’t be able to recognize myself? no, not that either.
i’ve thought through every single possible reason and the only conclusion i came to is that some little part of me still believes that i don’t deserve to look like i want to look. and that’s okay. today i will choose to be kind to that part, to be kind to myself because i deserve everything i’ve ever dreamed of. i am not worthless and neither are you.
this was just me rambling for a bit and i know this post doesn’t really offer much advice but i hope that some of you can take something away from it.
weight loss is such a hard journey and it can put you through absolute hell mentally and emotionally, no matter how much or little you want to lose. you are so incredibly strong for even just being here and i believe in you. you are amazing, incredible and beautiful. i truly hope you can choose to be kind to yourself for today as well, because you truly deserve it. you deserve the world!
sorry for formatting i’m on my phone and i really don’t like capitalized letters lol
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