I was overweight my whole life. Food got me through anxiety and depression and boredom and anger. Binge eating was the closest thing I ever had to self-care. It served a valuable purpose in my life. And it was trying to kill me.
By 33, I weighed 450lbs. That year, my brother died of cancer at age 37. His death sent me into a major depression and again I turned to food to cope. When I turned 37, I weighed 520lbs.
Turning that age, the same age my brother was when he’d died, woke me up. I kept thinking, “if I don’t get to live another year, is this how I want to spend my time?” So I started. Again.
I’d tracked calories before and exercised and gone to support groups. But I decided that, if I was going to have any chance, I needed to be smart, open and honest about it this time. So I got into weekly therapy with a great therapist and, after doing a lot of research, started vegetarian keto and intermittent fasting. I also left a relationship that had become emotionally shredding due to neglect on both our part (but that’s another long long story).
I started with a 16:8 fasting protocol (basically skipping dinner) and ate under 30g of carbs per day and around 2500 calories. I tracked using CarbManager and ate a mix of salads, nuts, avocados, eggs, low-carb vegan protein shakes, some tofu, vegan meat replacements and healthy oils. It was not awesome for the first week to be honest. Cutting sugar and carbs gave me headaches and chills.
But I kept on with it, tracking religiously and going to therapy. After a couple weeks, I noticed that I was far more emotional when I was talking with my therapist and just generally in life. Without the binge eating, the feelings and thoughts weren’t stuck in me anymore.
I did a lot of hard work in that time. Grieving my brother, dealing with some past traumas, retraining myself to cope with anxiety. And all the time staying on track with food.
Within a few months, I was doing 20:4 fasts, had cut my calories to around 2200 and did a couple extended fasts (around 72 hours). The weight came off quickly. I was down 100lbs within six months and the weight loss stayed steady. My fasted glucose levels, which I started measuring with a Keto-Mojo blood monitor, dropped from around 115 to the mid 80s. My blood pressure dropped significantly and I felt good enough to start some exercise, mostly just simple walking.
The biggest change though was in my thoughts. I swear, sugar dictates my thinking if I let myself have it. Without sugar, compulsion was replaced by actual hunger. Compulsion isn’t something I can manage effectively. But I learned, maybe for the first time in my life, what actual hunger cues felt like, ones that weren’t clouded by addiction.
In January of this year, I went to a doctor for the first time in years. By then I had dropped almost 300lbs. Unfortunately, my high saturated fat diet had impacted my cholesterol badly. The doc wanted to put me on statins, but I asked him for six months to try turning it around through diet and exercise.
So, for the last six months, I added some healthy carbs back into my diet (berries, oatmeal, more fruits and veg), went to fully plant-based eating, added in a regular resistance training program and upped the intensity of my walking. Oh, and I added a “treat day” every week where I let myself not track and eat at restaurants if I feel like it.
My weight loss has hit a plateau but I’m definitely adding muscle. I’ve been right around 210 for a couple months. Two weeks ago I went back to the doc for blood work and he literally said “holy shit, you absolutely turned your cholesterol around.” I am now in “optimal” range across the board.
Other landmarks along the way:
- Bought a pair of 34” waist pants and a “slim-fit” L from Banana Republic, a store I would NEVER would have been able to shop in previously. When I started losing, I was a size 64” pants from DXL and a 6X shirt.
- I flew for a job interview (which I got btw) without worrying about fitting in the seat. Believe me, that would have absolutely sent me spiraling with anxiety previously.
- I’m able to run, hike, do yoga, just basically move again, with joy. It’s fun. I look forward to it. I find excuses to add more movement and steps to my day.
- All my health markers are good. I even got a colonoscopy (my brother had colon cancer) and was all good.
Now, here’s the thing. It’s still a struggle. Every day. Since changing my diet to address the cholesterol, I find myself having compulsive feelings around food again. It’s the sugar/carbs, I swear. But now I know and I face it. I show up every day, not aiming for perfection, but working toward my physical and mental health. It’s all connected. I am not perfect but I show up. That’s the best I can keep doing. I’m proud of what I’ve achieved, regretful for the years I spent locked in un-health, and hopeful for the future.
Here are pics from 10/2019 and yesterday, just for comparison. I did a thing, for sure.
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