Caught between recovery and weight loss? (TW: ED)

Hi all, I hope this is okay to post here.

I'm 160cm/ 65kg. My BMI is around ~25. In this current bout of weight loss I've lost 10kg, gained back 4kg.

I'm really struggling right now to make a decision on what to do with my weight loss. I am still borderline u healthy BMI, and because I'm so short, every extra kg really shows. I've been a fluctuation of weights, my lowest being around 54kg and my highest in the upper 70s. My ideal weight would be somewhere around 50-55kg.

I've had a really complicated relationship with food my entire life. I've suffered from (undiagnosed) eating disorder behaviour that tends to come in phases of intense calorie restriction and uncontrollable binge/ punishment eating. I'm forcing myself out of a restriction phase right now, and as a result...I'm bingeing as punishment to myself for not calorie counting. Logic!

I really, really cannot keep having this insane relationship with food. It's gruelling and tiresome. I love food. I love to cook and bake and eat. But at the same time I spiral and become obsessed with calories, weight, etc.

After /r/proED was deleted I was declined from their discord and it felt like a wakeup call. I don't want to do this anymore. I deleted Lose It and I've stopped keeping exact track of calories (I can't help guesstimating). My next step is to get rid of the bathroom scale...

And yet...

I'm still an overweight BMI. I want to hit my goal weight. I want to be healthy and for once not have everyone talk about how I'm chubby and chunky and love to stuff my face. My family has a genetically high risk of heart failure and blood pressure issues which can be exacerbated by weight...I want to get a handle on this while I'm young. I already eat a balanced diet (when I'm not forcing myself to eat 6000 calories of peanut butter and cocoa powder because ???????). I just need to be normal about it. But I don't know if I can be :(

This post has been vent so far but I really do want advice. I want to get to a sustainable healthy weight, but I cannot calorie count or weigh myself and remain mentally healthy. I just can't. But how can I prevent myself gaining back to the high 20s BMI? How can I be healthy without counting? Every resource is CICO but CICO is literally killing my mental health. Should I just stop worrying about my weight? I'm terrified if I do I will balloon.

If anyone has gone through something similar or has advice please let me know.

~ Written after gorging on a sickening "brownie" concoction that honestly tasted like vomit

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