Feel free to skip to my last paragraph for the main question.
I've always been a bit bigger than the girls my age since I was little and I believe that instilled in me a major insecurity from an early age. Although I wasn't grossly overweight at the time, if I didn't have a flat washboard tummy then I may as well not even exist. So I of course developed an eating disorder, bulimia, when I was 12/13. It wasn't severe early on but by the time i was 16 I was purging upwards of 6 times, even 10 times a day with a series of "micro" meals and occasional bingeing. I got to about 190lbs in high school at 5"7ft tall and thought that I was so huge. Honestly what I wouldn't give to be 190lbs now.
After high school my bulimia tapered off but I kept gradually and slowly getting bigger until I went to culinary school and hit a high of 235lbs. This freaked me out and during my Summer break I went down to 200lbs on the dot from pretty much starvation (that wasn't a decision I made, I had been living abroad for work and was so terribly overworked that I did not eat that whole Summer). I came back from that Summer internship and my weight bounced from 200 to 220 and I yoyo'd between those weights for about 2 years until this past Summer where I went from my usual 220 back up to my highest ever at the time 240.
Now this shocked me so I talked to my mom and we decided to pay for a diet called "ideal protein". It was a keto diet and although I was fairly apprehensive about keto I dove into it because I needed something to change. I lost 20lbs in less than 2 months and then I crashed. The weight I lost piled on even quicker than I lost it and I gained a few extra pounds for good measure.
Anyway, the Summer ended and I started my first year of (ironically) a nutrition and food science program at university. The stress was too much for me and I pretty much closed off to everyone in my life. Since then, I have been eating on a daily basis to the point of being in pain. It got so bad that in the past 2 months I went from 240lbs to my current 266lbs. This is the point that I'm at right now. I am actually afraid of myself. My weight was only ever a cosmetic issue for me prior to this year, I had some back issues I needed to work on but other than that I was fine. These past few months though, I've noticed that I can't bend over or even sit comfortably, I get exhausted from walking to my car in the morning or just walking in general. I've gotten in the habit where if I have to climb a flight of stairs I mentally have a plan of action where I will b-line it for the nearest washroom at the top floor so that I can sit in a stall and regain my breath just to save myself the embarrassment of panting and gasping for air in public. I'm experiencing acid reflux regularly and brain splitting migraines.
I feel as if I have literally all the tools to turn myself around. I have extensive knowledge about food from a culinary perspective and I am studying nutrition and have a good grasp on that as well. So I know what to eat, how much to eat, and to boot I can make healthy food taste really good. I come from a privileged background and have parents who are willing to pay for groceries and therapy to help me out. I have a loving boyfriend and tons of friends who adore me and support me. But I literally cannot bring myself to even try. I want to, but I feel so tired of it all.
I have been telling myself for years the same old "I'm starting my diet tomorrow and it's all going to be fine." and often I even follow through on a diet for a couple months. But I always end up back to square one and in the end with a few extra pounds. I feel though, as if I am at my breaking point right now. I never thought that I could possibly gain 20-25lbs in 2 months, but here I am. I want to start working on myself again but I feel like i'm going to fail again and that this time is going to be like all the other times I tried then failed.
I am so sorry for the novel, but I guess what I'm trying to ask is this, what was your breaking point? What finally catapulted you into a successful weight loss journey and how did you know that this time was going to be successful? I feel as if I want everything now without the imput of hard work and I know this is my biggest downfall. How did you deal with this?
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