My weight loss journey
Hi loseit! This is my first ever post, I found this board a couple of weeks ago and I'm struggling a bit at the minute so I thought this would be a good time to post.
My stats: 24f HW:252 CW:154 GW:125
So mine is a long and pretty horrible story. It starts when I was four when I was raped for the first time. I didn't know what the fuck happened to me so I didn't know how to tell anyone so I dealt with that by myself for years. That event gave me BPD, PTSD and a lifetime struggle with addiction. My first addiction was food, I was always about 20lbs overweight growing up. Then when I was fifteen at the first ever big kid party I went to I got raped again. I got really depressed, so depressed I couldn't eat. Then after a month I lost 14lbs,at this point I decided to stop eating because I was looking great. In two months I lost two stone. My dad noticed the rapid weight loss and he did everything he could to keep me eating. I maintained at 135lbs for a year.
Then I got into a relationship, which quickly turned into an abusive one. My ex was extremely overweight and he felt too insecure being with me, so he decided to fatten me up. It started small, he'd put more sugar in my drink than I asked for. When we moved in together it got really bad. Any attempt I made to lose weight he stopped. He wouldn't let me leave the house and in three years my weight went up to 252lbs. In the end I broke up with him and I moved back home and instantly started to lose weight. I got down to 189lbs all by myself, then because I'm the unluckiest person alive I got raped again. I tried to kill myself with a drugs overdose, I obviously didn't succeed but I lost 28lbs in three days (the amount of drugs I took should have killed me, I really don't know how I survived). After that I was addicted, through abuse I managed to get down to 135lbs again.
Then I got with my current boyfriend, I got clean and I got back up to 175lbs, without the drugs I just couldn't seem to keep weight off. This year since March I've managed to get down to 154lbs, I've lost 10 inches around my hips and waist, but I don't look any different to me. I touched my tummy on Saturday, it felt like it was filled with holes (it was the space between the stretch marks) and I'm phobic of holes, I broke down really bad, I felt suicidal, my boyfriend comforted me, but I noticed the loose skin for the first time. There's not a lot, but there is some and I'm so scared of how I'm going to look when I've lost another 29lbs, my stomach overhangs worse than any I've seen on the entire Internet. The thought of the loose skin makes me want to stop. Every time I touch my tummy it's a reminder of every trauma I've ever been through, it actually gives me debilitating flashbacks. I binged last night, I went 600 over my TDEE, this morning I'm in agony, I can't get off the toilet, I'm shitting my guts out. But for the first time when I massaged my tummy I could actually feel my organs!
So far in my life I've been morbidly obese, I've been an alcoholic, I've been a drug addict, I've been a food addict, I feel like I will never have the body I want, I feel like my life was taken out of my own hands from almost the moment it started. I'm struggling at the minute, the thought of loose skin is terrifying me and I feel like a total fucking failure right now. I feel so weak. The only positive thing I can say is I'm back on my diet today, for the first time in my life I haven't let a binge be the end of my diet, so that's a little win. I guess I'm just needing to vent a bit and looking for support.
TL:DR got raped, keep yo-yoing in weight, feeling like a failure right now.
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