I'm a 26M, by the way.Any tips on how to get my wife to commit to losing weight?
She's 280 Lbs now, she was well under 200 when we started dating. She's 5'8"She infamous for "I'll get serious about it tomorrow" over and over again until, well, the first "tomorrow" was in August of 2015, and she's put on 40 additional pounds since then.
I'm still attracted to her, and I still enjoy making love to her. I try to make that obvious as much as possible. However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more physically attracted to her slimmer self. The difference isn't big, though. Chubby is one of the body types I happen to be attracted to.
That being said: as it currently stands, my attraction to her isn't a problem.
There are a few problems:
- Her confidence in herself is currently below sea-level, as such, our sex life is practically non-existent some months. At best, we'll have sex 3 times a month, quite the departure from multiple times a week (as it was before weight gain).
I've read that being overweight can have an impact on your sex drive as well, so I don't think it's simply a matter of making her feel sexier. I compliment her every day, so I think pushing that envelope harder would become even more of an annoyance to her than it probably already is.
2) We're seriously planning on trying for a baby, we'd like to do this as soon as we can.However, being obese will pose some serious risks to pregnancy and childbirth .We've agreed that we're not going to try until she's less than 210 lbs. Putting her body through that much stress when it's not ready isn't worth the risk.
3) Her father recently passed away from a heart attack. He was a great man in many senses, however, to be blunt, his diet and lifestyle choices were less than great:Pack a day smoker, obese, didn't eat too many veggies etc.He's not a special case for this family, they have a history of diabetes and heart disease.
For me, this raises some serious concerns for what the future holds if she doesn't do something about her situation now. Her father waited far too long to make a change, it took his first heart attack to get him to start turning the ship around, but there wasn't much that could be done at that point.He wasn't too different than most people in the sense that most people don't bother to make positive changes in their life until they face a dire consequence.I don't mean to sound so cold, I knew the man for 10 years, and I loved him as I love anyone else in my family. It's just hard to effectively communicate that through text.
4) She's noticeably less active. I don't want to use the word "lazy", as getting up to walk downstairs to run a load of laundry is much more work or her than it is me.She asks me to do a lot more simple things for her that I feel she could do herself if her body was lighter.Examples: walking from the bedroom, all the way to the living room to grab the remote.Or walking the dog because she's not wearing pants or doesn't feel like getting up. If I try these excuses she gets upset with me.
Yes, some of this is to be expected in any relationship, but there's been a definite increase. It doesn't go both ways, the only time I ask her to do those kinds of things for me is if I physically can't, because it's just faster to do it myself (like by the time I'm done calling her name to get her attention, I could have just gotten up, grabbed the remote and changed the channel myself).
Things I/We have tried:
- Leading by example:
It was the summer of 2015 (mentioned earlier), and I was the fattest I've ever been, clocking in at 251lbs at the heaviest A few of my friends (and my family) had pointed out that I looked bigger. Huh, I guess that's why my knees hurt so damn much. I hadn't bothered to weigh myself in a few years, it hadn't been a problem. I won medals in high school from Cross country and Track, being overweight wasn't something I had considered.
This was completely unacceptable to me. After weighing myself and seeing how much I had let things slide, I tried a bunch of things to lose weight. I tried keto, paleo, Intermittent fasting (24 hour, and then 16 hour), calorie counting, fasted cardio every morning, and atkins for a bit.
The sliver bullet was calories in/calories out + fasted cardio several times a week. In 1.5 years I lost 65 lbs.
Here's the thing, nobody had to push me or nag me about the food I was eating. I dealt with all the annoyances that friends and family cause when you're trying to pursue weight loss ("Oh, just one chocolate sundae won't hurt!!" type shit, anyone that has ever tried to lose weight knows exactly what I'm talking about), I tried new things, I was completely self driven. I made a lot of mistakes, and I can offer advice on what to avoid if she ever chooses to start.
My wife? Well at the time she was 220, she said at least once a week that she's going to join me. She never did, and actually those weekly "I'm going to start next week" talks have been happening ever since.
She wasn't much help by the way. She wanted to eat out every day and brought the most delicious smelling food around. I told her how inconsiderate this was, she'd improve for a week or two, but then would be right back to bringing the good stuff around this fat boy that dreamed of eating a never-ending tray of brownies one time during one of my fasts.
Leading by example would be a bit of a problem now: I've been weightlifting to gain some muscle mass, so I need to eat a slight surplus of calories if I'm hoping to get anywhere. I don't dirty bulk, but I still need to eat larger quantities of food.
If she would have hopped on the weight loss at any point during the time I was losing weight, she'd be below 200, easy.
2) Getting advice from an actual doctor.
Way smarter than what I did.She went to a doctor in the hopes of getting pointed in the right direction. He told her to count her calories, drink water, eat raw veggies, and walk at least 10,000 steps a day.
Okay cool, she doesn't have to listen to any of my advice, an actual professional told her exactly what to do.
No dice. She has a follow on checkup in a few weeks and hasn't lost a pound.It's cold outside, so I brought out the elliptical we own and set it up in the living room ( we don't have much space), she used it once.
3) Being a nag
I can't lie to myself. I get frustrated when she tells me she ate at burger king for lunch (not salads) and doesn't know how many calories she's eaten. So I nag her about it and tell her that it's bad for her and that I'm frustrated she just won't stick to losing weight... blah. To be honest I've lost patience with it all, I never insult her personally, but I do ask when she's planning on getting serious about her health.I feel physically ill when I have to remind her that she needs to count calories, and ordering ice cream from post-mates is bad, it's been years at this point having the same conversations. She listens about half the time so I'll keep doing it. I'd love for this to not be a nearly daily occurrence. Hell, if I could never say the word "calories" again, I would probably have a longer life span.
That's not to say we haven't had healthy conversations about this. Those happen once a month.
4) Going to a therapist
Fixing obesity isn't simply a matter of slapping someone's hand away from a box of Oreos. There's a psychological element to it, obese people treat their body the way they do because there is likely some toxicity going on in their life. Eating is a great escape from stress, but too much reliance on it causes dangerous amounts of fat.She's under a lot of stress right now, her father passed away recently. So she's been having weekly therapy sessions for about 2 months now. I wish I could point to this event and say that's where the trouble began, but to be honest, most of the weight gain happened well before he passed.
I fully expected things to get worse from this point (understandably so), but surprisingly, her weight gain has stagnated. All things considered, she's been unbelievably strong about this news. Life after her father passing could be a post all on its own, so I wont dive too deep into that. The short version is that we do a lot of things to honor her late father, and still include him in holidays.
Bottom line: I know she can do it. She doesn't have to resort to anything crazy or rash. She sometimes shows signs of improvement, but it's very short term (2 weeks at best). She just won't commit to the long game. I'm there to help her, but that's just it, help. I can't force someone to lose weight or find it in themselves to be motivated to do so.
I mentioned earlier that her weight gain has stagnated, so it gives me hope, but how in the world do I get her to commit to weight loss?
She needs time to grieve, of course, but she's in the red-zone for her health at this point. If things get any worse, I'm worried she'll suffer some dire consequences. I want us to have a long happy life together, sure an accident might happen to shorten that, but I can guarantee it'll be short if she stays obese.
I love her, and want to have a family with her. However, I'm just about out of ideas at this point. I feel like all I can really do is wait and hope for the best.
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