So cutting right to the good stuff, I have two pictures I'll show, the first one is me without a shirt in each one, they are my first and latest progress pics, I unfortunately didn't start taking pics until I lost 50lbs, so the one on the left is 346lbs and the right is 220lbs. The second one is of me before and after losing the weight loss, 396lbs on left and 220lbs on right.
https://imgur.com/gallery/lC65tQD
Moving on to the loooong meat and potatoes (yum that sounds good)!
So November 2, 2017 I decided enough was enough. I had recently quit a porn addiction and was ready to change my life, I now had the confidence that I *COULD* do this! I began to explore loseit, and got so much motivation and information from all of you!!! I decided CICO was the path for me, I was much too addicted to foods (specifically sugar) to cut out anything, but I could go with smaller portions, I knew I would be capable of that. I used the TDEE calculator, got my numbers all ready and decided if I went with a drastic 1500 a day I would lose it in no time. I began with slimfasts, I bought 5 cases of advanced formula chocolate slimfasts (180 calories each), pounds started flying off, 4lbs a week for 6 months. Things were going well, I missed food, but it was worth it to see the new body. It began getting REALLY hard around April 2018, I was doing no sugar for lent (just for fun, I'm not practicing), and although I was successful I was MISERABLE. I was on the longest streak with no porn and no sugar in my life (well post puberty), and I was in a 7 week plateau, I was MISERABLE. I quickly fell into depression (from many many factors, including previous depression, it's not like it began now, it just collapsed now). I ended up in the hospital for starving myself. I was so angry at myself, for how fat I still was, how worthless I truly was, I didn't deserve food, so I stopped. 3 days later, my mom finally dragged me to the ER. I started medications and started eating again. 1 month later I was back. a month after I was back again. My go to at this point was to starve myself and give up on life when the depression came, and medications were not helping. After the third suicide attempt things changed. I began a new medication, got myself an AMAZING therapist, and got the mentally clarity that suicide was NOT the answer, no matter **WHAT** situation I, or you, are in, **things can change**. I began again, this whole time, even in the hospitals I was keeping with my 1500 calories. I became addicted, I was so unbelievably anal about keeping my 1500, I never went over in calories, ever, not until like the fall of 2018. Things continued to progress (in the diet and life), the weight loss had dropped to 3lbs a week, to now 2lbs a week, but things were steady. My original goal was 250lbs, but then I decided 230 sounded better, the 220 sounded EVEN better (plus it's 100kg so I like that nice round number haha) so I just kept going. My original goal was all the weight lost in 1 year, I did not succeed that, BUT had I kept my origianl target weight of 250 I would have succeeded past it (I was 240 on my 1 year mark, 156lbs lost) I was pleased, everything was right on schedule. Things contineud, but I fell into anotehr plateau, where I have been the past 8 weeks unfortuantely. So while the scale reads 229lbs as of this morning I am sure that I weigh 220lbs or less. You can't deny the scientific formual that has worked for me for 62 weeks. So I did it.
What is the plan now? Well I bumped up my calories to 2000 a day, which means I am still getting a 1lbs deficit weekly, and plan to do that until I am 196, 200lbs lost, should be there end of June. BUT the main focus now is to gain a healthier relationship with food. I am working on learning what 2000 calories feels like, so that I don't have to count my calories, I can just eat a sensible amount daily and keep around my maintenance weight. I cried for 2 hours the first night I ate 2000 calories. It's going to be quite the adjustment to allow myself to eat more again and not feel guilty.
I CERTAINLY know that my method was not healthy, you can clearly see how it has scarred me, I am borderline anorexic and scared to eat for fear of guilt and self punishment. I realize this.
I still have my "fat brain", I *feel* 400lbs still. Unless I am looking at myself in the mirror I think of myself as a 400lb man. I still hate my body very much, I still feel awkward in public situations, I still think of myself as the fattest man in the room, I still weight for the jokes and judgement of my girth, and because of that I am the first (and always the only one) to make jokes and excuses for how I look. While the fat is gone, the scars will take more time. The work is never done, but I'm ready :)
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2VOecyb
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