Hey, Losers. Long time lurker, but I’ve recently been posting a lot. You may remember as the girl that forgets to pee before weigh-ins sometimes or, less popularly, the girl living for those sweet, sweet mini-goals.
My weight-loss has been going pretty great. In my first 4 weeks, I lost about 10lbs, which is a quarter of a my goal.
However, the past week or two have been pretty rough. For starters, I have PTSD as the result of past abusive relationships and assault. I noticed an uptick in my nightmares recently. I attribute it to being more conscious about my body and trying to become “attractive” again.
Normally, I would want to lean on my boyfriend in times like these. However, the past 6 weeks he’s been very distant. I’ve suggested therapy a couple of times and I think he’s finally going to go. However, it got to the point that for me, I was stressed and not feeling supported or loved. We agreed to break up, even though it wasn’t necessarily what either of us wanted. So it was a long time coming and came to head over the weekend, becoming official on Sunday.
I was pretty down about it. Went to a bar that night and had a few beers and some mac-n-cheese bites, knowing full well that it was well above my calorie count.
Monday I tried to get back at it. However in the evening I ended up crushing a six-pack by myself.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty disgusted with myself. (And sad. Super sad.) So I got back into counting calories, trying to eat enough to hit my goal while also not going over. I only got in about 1,100 calories (assuming I didn’t underestimate things), but I did lay in bed most of the day before going to a martial arts class. I resisted the thought to grab some beer on my way home, promising myself to go back to not drinking nights before I have class (either school or martial arts). And I ate a cookie to try to get those calories up a little.
My stomach is a little blech from eating like crap the past couple of days. My weight today is up a little bit/starting to plateau, even though my Happy Scale moving average is still down today. But I know I’ll get right back to it. (Back-to-back kickboxing and BJJ tonight will help.)
It’s hard to try and focus on losing weight and being healthier when I’m going through these emotions. I feel like doing this is the first step or preface in trying to date again. Obviously that’s not the case because I started this a while ago. I’m also feeling pretty worthless in general.
It’s hard, but I have to remember to love myself.
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