This is a repost of something I posted on 1200ip, but it wouldn't let me crosspost.
I'm having such a hard time getting back into it, you guys. I'm 24, 5'1 and I'm not sure what I weigh. All I know is that I always have the best intentions. Every time I order groceries, I set myself up for a great week. But each day when I get home from work, I get the uncontrollable urge to order out or pig out on snacks. Weekends too. It's so hard to fight the urge.
Back in high school, I was 132lbs. My endocrinologist told me I needed to lose weight. He told me I was overweight and he scared me. When I tell you I never thought twice about or obsessed over food before this... He ruined my life. I talked to my gym teacher and she gave me workouts to try. I was in the gym only 3x a week because I hated it and was using it to punish myself and strictly for weight loss. It was a chore.
I dropped 30 pounds. I was starving myself. My mom would yell at me and make me eat because I would get grouchy, angry, and I would literally be starving. My gym teacher showed concern, and my pediatrician threatened to put me in the hospital if I kept losing.
I straightened myself out...but not really because I started binging shortly after this. I remember the prom dress I bought at my lowest weight was tight by prom. It zipped, but it was tight. The binging and lack of control only got worse.
Fast forward. I had a period of a couple of years where I was working out religiously because I loved it (i was in college and living home, so I didn't have a job for a lot of that time, or I had very flexible schedules). I took lesmills classes 5 days a week (Pump Mondays and Wednesdays, Body Combat and CXWorx on Thursdays and RPM or More Combat and Body Flow on Fridays). Tuesdays was usually Zumba and I didn't like it. So I'd do cardio machines or weights or something.
I was hovering around the 120s then. I was eating a good amount of calories and I kept it strict but not agonizingly so. But once that stopped, in came the binging again.
Anyway. I have zero control anymore. This has been going on for years. I work full time, I'm engaged to the most amazing man who thinks I look beautiful the way I am. I just hate my body and how out of control I am around food. I am so upset right now. I really thought I was going to clean up my act this week. I don't know what else to do. I guess I still have some remnants of Binge Eating Disorder. I know I could make time for the gym but those classes that I loved are no more. All the good trainers and instructors are gone.
I don't know what to do. On Monday I was supposed to start fresh. I got amazing, healthy groceries and I was good all day. Ended up opening a box of cereal and eating it mindlessly before I even started dinner. Yesterday I was sure I was going to be good. I was good for breakfast and lunch, but then I ended up ordering out and had a huge Greek Salad with grilled chicken, 3 pitas and 2.5 little containers of tzatziki (this meal is my guilty pleasure).
I used to have such amazing willpower. I would bring my own food to parties. I would order dry salads whenever I went out with just veggies and make sure they held the cheese/croutons etc.
I've listened to Brain Over Binge. I've read all the articles. I've done all the research. Nothing is helping. Once I get home (or I'm just home over the weekend or out with my fiancè) all bets are off when it comes to food. It's like I just see red and order whatever sounds good. I used to be better than this. Now, Fridays are takeout days. So are Saturdays. It's routine. But also... We end up ordering a lot more than just those two days. And it sucks. I used to avoid fast food like the plague. Now, I like Burger King again.
I'm sitting here, so uncomfortable. I can feel my stomach pressing against the band of my too-small yoga pants. And I just don't know where else to turn. I'm embarrassed. Right now, a professional to talk to is out of the question. I need to do this for myself and I guess I just need a little push or accountability/ ideas. Also, if you guys use Fresh Direct and have any faves, let me know please. I'm desperate. I want to look amazing for my wedding. My fiancè deserves to see me confident and to not have to hear me cry and complain about my weight and my lack of control.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2SuLdRj
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