I am doing DBT to help improve my life. (BPD, Bipolar, Anxiety, PTSD, etc) Today we talked about radical acceptance. That is, whole soul accepting the crappy things that have happened.
This threw me into a panic. Because even though I'm 32, my life revolves around protecting the 8 year old Aletha that was traumatized so badly I put on 40pounds in one summer, and haven't stopped gaining since. I'm currently about 480.
I'm terrified to try to accept my past. I've built my life on thinking and treating myself like I don't deserve love. My outgoing personality is sarcasm towards myself and making myself invisible to everyone to apologize for my existence.
I don't even know what accepting and healing looks like. I cannot fathom how different that could possibly be. There's the guilt and shame from the trauma, and the added ick from how I've chosen to deal with it all these years. I understand little Aletha did the best she could to survive and cope, and I'm grateful. But I feel like I've never moved on. It's been almost 30 years and I'm still that scared little girl who eats so she doesn't have to feel things.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice, commiseration, or similar stories. But I am certain this is what's holding me back on permanent weight loss. I want to heal and move past the choices other people made for me. It was one summer that I've turned into my life story. Part of me doesn't feel like I deserve forgiveness for that; for the waste of a life.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2UL9oJ1
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