Beware, long and ranty post ahead
Firstly I just want to say I'm so grateful for this community and users! Seeing everyone's progress, ideas for exercise and nutrition has really helped me get my butt into gear and it's always nice to see someone achieve their goals.
My weight loss journey started in 2016 because although I was aware I had gained weight - hello bigger sizes - I wasn't really aware how much as I generally avoided mirrors, scales and tight fitted clothes at all costs. Then one fateful day I weighed in and after calculating my BMI; realised I was classified as overweight. The next few years were..rough. I went through periods of starvation, binging and purging, rigorous exercise and would only manage to lose a few kilos before piling more on. I was disheartened, I am going to be fat forever I thought. It was around that time I started first reading Reddit and seeing the incredible transformations people were able to make and stick to over a long time. So I got inspired - to lose weight and do it the right way.
So about 6 months after this decision I started to count calories properly - had as much of a balanced diet I could make on my own that included heaps of fibre, protein and finally carbohydrates. Oh so gradually the weight came off, and I started this year off 5 kilos lighter and 1 pants size smaller. With renewed vigour and excitement for the year ahead I started planning on exercise and healthy meals I could make cheaply and easily. Since then, I lost a further 3 kilos but now I'm faltering. I still log all my calories and I've doing so with my binges too. I am the type of person that can't really keep junk food around because I will consume it all in one nightmarish sitting (upwards of 2k calories at any given time). When it has happened in the past, I give myself permission - just try better tomorrow, this isn't the end of your journey, treating yourself is not a crime - but lately I find myself binging several times a week. And it's showing; I've gained back 2 kilos and immediately prior to writing this have gulped down over 1.5k calories just in snacks alone - bringing my grand total up to nearly 3000 calories for the day. I feel myself going back into those negative thoughts and I can't stop myself. What's the point in trying if all I end up doing is sabotaging myself? What's the point in counting calories or exercising when I'm a fat lard at heart?
Nobody really knows that I've been trying to do this; I've found in the past that when I tell people I am more likely to fail for whatever reason. I thought that I could hold myself accountable and it would be enough but it isn't. I don't have enough willpower or self restraint and I feel like my food addiction is crushing me. Why do I feel so good eating only to hate myself after? How do I break the cycle for good? How do I see the good in what I've done and be kind to myself? I feel like I'm on the cusp of either failing completely or pushing through this shitty attitude and finally defeating the binge demon.
I am sorry for the utter rambling and incoherency of this posit, I feel like I need someone to talk to who knows what I'm going through. Like a buddy who doesn't know me personally, and I don't know them, so I can be held accountable to someone else. I want to be proud of myself and how far I've come, but how can I when I do is look back with disgust?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2Fuk7SO
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