TLDR; Bought some new clothes, was shocked by the difference. I guess I pull a REALLY weird face when trying to sneak selfies from the bathroom at work
Also renewed my license today, so bonus face progress.
I went clothes shopping yesterday. This is normally a pretty crappy event for me. I've been in denial most of my adult life about my body. Not that I wasn't fat, but that it wasn't all fat. I'm big, but not THAT big. But you can't be in denial when you're shopping for clothes, and I never wanted to go to the fat guy stores. That would be just flat out admitting it, and somehow that was worse? Anyway, clothes shopping always sucked because it was a constant exercise in futility. Go to a regular store that may only have 5-6 items large enough for me, and hope I like them.
This weekend changed my clothes shopping world forever. I'm still fat, don't get me wrong. 230 lbs is not small, and I still think I have about 50 lbs to go. But it's small enough to wear 2X shirts and 36" pants. I walked into the store, skeptical as I've ever been. Went to the men's section, not the "big & tall" section, and started browsing. I saw a few shirt styles I liked, and grabbed the 2X. Looked at them, looked at the changing room, and took a deep breath.
The shirts FELT small. Looking at the them in the room, the width of the shirt and shoulders, I'm just thinking "No way". They're way too narrow. Even if I get it over my shoulders and arms and chest, that tractor tire of a gut is just going to push the sides out. And then the usual will happen. That pit of disappointment in my stomach will start. The self loathing will follow. This was such a stupid idea. I go to put the shirt on, ready to push out with my arms to widen it like I'm used to doing, and I realize it's not narrow. It's going up and over my head & shoulders and down my arms without any extra pulling or stretching. I raise my eyes to the mirror and just stare. I like how this looks on me. What the heck? I gave myself a high five in the dressing room and almost let out a hell yeah.
I feel like this is going to happen. I honestly can't remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and could say I was even moderately OK with the reflection looking back. And that's almost as huge as the 130 lbs I've lost so far. It doesn't feel like work, and each week I'm starting to find the person I've always thought was hiding in there. It feels like I'm living the life of a 180 lb active person, and it's just going to take my body a few more months to get there. I'm starting to lose the anxiety of a camera being pointed at me, or even when people would focus their attention on me. I've been pretty private with my weight loss, but the last month has been filled with little realizations and attitude changes like this, and I feel I need to share so I don't just annoy everyone around me with talks of progress and optimism. I don't know if I'll ever feel good looking or handsome, but I'm starting to feel OK with myself. Not content, and not finished by any means; but I can see the finish line, and I'm starting to like the person looking back at me these days.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2TibuDx
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