Okay. Shit. I think this is the first time I actually say all of this out loud. Or write it out loud. I'm 26 and I feel like I was half asleep for the first 23 years of my life. Sorry for the wall of text in advance.
So. Hi. I've been lurking on here for the past week or so. Found you via /r/fatlogic and I kinda liked it here. So, weight loss backstory, I always was more or less overweight (BMI 24-26/27). I had a time in my teens where I was kind of eating disordered due to general intense self loathing. I'm not any more but sometimes I feel the disordered thought patterns creeping up. Two years ago I stumbled across a rather similar community to here and felt motivated to actually do something. I didn't even know I could. It was the first time in years that something I wanted to achieve actually worked. Maybe the first time ever. This and making it through EMT training are in a way the only things I ever accomplished for myself. And I really don't have a lot of accomplishments to show off, I fucked up most of the things I tried my hand at. I had a physically challenging job back then, so when I started cutting calories the weight literally fell off me. In the last two years I've lost 14 kg without really intending to.
(CN suicide for the following part)
I'm happy about that. But only part of it was because I did it on purpose. At least 10 kg of this I lost because the last year was horrible on me. I moved to a city I love but I lost all my friends in the process, and a lifetime of trauma, isolation and dysfunction caught up on me. Big time. Add a dysfunctional relationship and being majorly broke for most of the time, and yeah... I kinda forgot to eat, mostly. Too sad and too stressed out.
I'm in a better place right now but I spent most of the year in crisis mode, and November through January was a continuous mental breakdown, to the point where I only managed to not off myself because I was heavily medicated and some of the friends I did make during the year showed up for crisis support. I'm off the meds for now and I'm trying to recollect myself. I'm definitely worn out and I will need time. But most of all I noticed that some things have to change because either they do or I'll just continue to kill myself gradually.
I don't just want a place to talk about weight loss, even though that's important to me. For me, it's about not neglecting myself any more in general. I'm in the process of getting treatment for my ADHD. I want to find therapy (the useful kind for a change). I want to learn to take myself to the doctor instead of just ignoring everything and weathering on. I don't want to mistreat myself any more just because I'm used to neglect. I'm trans and I only found out 2 years ago, so wanting to change my body is also due to dysphoria.
I'm not used to taking care of myself and it scares me a lot. I want to do weight training and I want to lose 6-8 kg more so I can look more like the person I hope to see in the mirror, but I want to do it in a way that doesn't enable the self hate I'm carrying with me.
If you actually read all of that, thanks. Hi. I'm here.
tl;dr I'm trans, I'm broke, I'm mostly vegan, I have ADHD that was never treated, life fucked me over, I want to lose 6-8 kg and gradually ease into exercising more, I want to have a life in general and take care of myself instead of kicking myself around.
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