Hello everyone. Long time lurker here, first time poster. Every day I spend an hour or so reading here, and every day I tell myself I'll make my first post and begin holding myself accountable and making changes, and every day I get scared and talk myself out of it. But I can't do this anymore. That old adage of being fat is hard, losing weight is hard, you must choose your hard, is true. Being fat is too hard for me to continue on with. I thought that there were times in my life that would be the turning point for me; the revelation from my doctor that weight loss would control my hidradenitis (an autoimmune disorder that affects the skin), being diagnosed with high blood pressure and insulin resistance, the time one of the owners at my job loudly pointed out my bad soda habit to everyone, the time I went up to a size XXL, the day I broke 250 lbs, the day I woke up with such high blood pressure I had to cut my rings off and thought I was having a stroke. But I've been weak and none of these have changed things. Last night I laid down to sleep next to my boyfriend (bless his tender soul, he loves me and desires me physically even with all these problems) and woke up in the middle of the night unable to breathe through my nose because of my sinus issues. I quickly realized that I could barely catch my breath breathing through my mouth, too. Recently my cardiovascular and lung function has greatly decreased, but I've never had to fight hard to catch my breath before. I locked myself in the bathroom and had a full blown anxiety attack, which only made the difficulty breathing worse. It took 45 minutes to calm myself down, and I was too embarrassed the whole time to wake my boyfriend for help. I just sobbed my heart out for a while, sitting on the bathroom floor feeling like a failure. I feel completely trapped inside my body. Sitting, standing, walking, all hurts now. Stairs feel like an insurmountable chore. I don't know how I let it get this bad, but I can't let it continue this way, and I can't keep feeling sorry for myself. I'm genuinely afraid I'll go to sleep and not wake up one day soon. I'm not sure exactly where to start. All I know is that I'm going to stop all the soda and sweet tea I drink and replace it with water and unsweetened tea. I'm going to track my foods in myfitnesspal since the only success I've ever had with losing weight came that way. And I'm going to try to eat more veggies and fruit, and walk more. I'm terrified of failing again, but I have to take the first step. Thank you to whoever is listening/reading. I just hope I can do it this time.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2EoQ3Xv
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