Let me start off by saying that my mental health has never been better. I'd been suffering from the worst depression of my life for two grueling years and just started feeling better this past September. I was around 115 lbs in the Fall of 2017 (am 4'11" and a 22 yr old female). I had been about 125 lbs in the Spring of 2017 due to drinking more in college/going on a mood stabilizer. I stopped the mood stabilizer in April of 2017 because I thought it was making me fat. I spent the whole summer obsessively eating and trying to lose weight which is what led me to bring around 115 that fall. Started taking stimulants around December of 2017 for recently diagnosed ADHD. Was eating less due to the Adderall and also began working out more (was not doing this in a healthy way and was definitely somewhat starving myself and always cranky/irritable/hardly sleeping). Stopped working out so much around March and yo-yo'd around 110 lbs til late Fall/early winter of 2018. Starting in early January of this year, I started experiencing one of the most debilitating depressions of my life. Was burnt out from overworking myself in the previous fall semester/tired and exhausted/irritable from taking 30 mg of Vyvanse every day. I stopped taking Vyvanse and started seeing a new psychiatrist in February. Am now taking cymbalta, Wellbutrin, strattera, propanolol, and gabapentin (was also taking an additional mood stabilizer at the time as well but stopped after the weight gain I've experienced). Now, in December, I weigh around 130 lbs. I'm not sure how this happened. I'm not as active as I was a few years ago, but I eat 1500 or less calories every day and do supplement that with working out/biking. I was convinced that the weight gain was originally from the mood stabilizer (also contributed to me beginning to lactate as well which is still happening). My doctor stopped the mood stabilizer entirely, the lactating didn't go away, and I've just continued to keep gaining weight. This weight gain is really the biggest source of the small amount of depression that still remains in my life. Every time I try and exercise or go to the gym, I just end up crying or stopping because of how I look or because of how frustrated I am with where I am now vs. what I was once capable of. I was running almost every day this summer and eating a vegan diet, and I just kept gaining weight. I started eating 1200 calories or less a few months ago (have since just gone back to eating more balanced/healthy because I was constantly lightheaded and irritable) and lost a few pounds but I don't see that being sustainable. It feels like the only ways that I've been able to stay thin are when my mental health is the worst or when I'm taking stimulants. I hate how I look right now. I'm so incredibly overweight for my height and my self esteem has plumetted so much. I don't feel beautiful and I cry after seeing every photo that's taken of me. I feel so ashamed and I don't know where to go from here. I also want to add that my doctor had my prolactin levels tested and they were normal. He reccomended I see an endocrinologist to figure out why I'm still lactating so I'm in the process of getting an appt. in the books. I had an MRI a few months ago to make sure I didn't have a benign tumor that can cause lactation. I didn't end up having it. Does anyone have any insight to my situation? I don't know what to do and feel completely clueless. It feels like the only way I end up losing weight is when I start obsessively eating/counting calories and I really don't want to jump back on that bandwagon. I've considered maybe hiring a personal trainer but I'm a broke recently graduated college student and really don't have the income for trial and error weight loss right now. I feel like every time I stop my disordered eating, my mental health gets better but then the depression dips because I get so upset about gaining weight. Please help me. :(
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