After 10 years, the journey starts again... this time in the right direction (I hope) [MENTAL HEALTH]

TL;DR at the bottom.

Hello Everyone!

This will be my first post ever in this subreddit (and my second overall), despite following it for years.

Yesterday I made up my mind to re-embark on this journey of weight loss and weight management with the healthiest, and most well-rounded approach possible.

As many people in this subreddit I THOUGHT I was the king of weight-loss, but then I realized that this Mountain I climbed was more of a roller-coaster, with some very scary ups and downs. Here's my struggle in as brief a format as I can think:

• Always had low self-esteem as a child, which materialised in the form of anger.
• Entering High School it all went down the drain. Although I had my group of friends, by mid-high school my fear of rejection and incapacity to properly deal with criticism from my peers, led to me becoming a relative recluse, and I started binge-eating.
• I went up from a healthy weight for my stature to weighing almost 30kg (66 lbs) OVER my healthy weight limit... I hit almost a total of 240 lbs!.
• My health and my back got messed up from my overweight.
• Took a kind of sabbatical, where I came to realize I HATED who I was.
• I became Anorexic (for about a year) and OBSESSED with working out and running.
• I (of course) dropped all my extra weight, and then some, in LESS THAN A YEAR. I can now tell you for sure that THE PRIZE WAS NOT WORTH THE COST.
• While deluding myself all this time, I dropped Anorexia and practiced Bulimia sporadically but increasingly, always after binge eating and HATING myself for what I ate (it took me a WHILE to admit to myself this was bulimia, too).
• Throughout College I FINALLY had the lean, buff body I wanted to have... all while keeping on with the self hate, and the eating disorders, (oh yeah, in case you're curious, I'm a dude).
• I thought nobody knew about my eating disorders, but it's just that nobody said anything to me, not family, not friends.
• I went through several girlfriends during college and after graduating, all the while keeping my bulimia "in check" (thinking I wasn't doing it often enough for it to be a problem)... but feeling as empty inside as always, and secretly – even for me somehow – hating myself .
• Met a woman who really shook my reality, and helped me start understanding self-love, self-soothing. This woman (who is now my wife) made me realize a lot of things about myself and my own perception, which detonated a dramatic shift in how I see the world myself.
• Started doing a lot of introspection, started meditating some, went to see a Psychiatrist, learned about my personality and my personality disorders.
• Gradually my eating disorders started fading away, almost disappearing. I'm no longer obsessed with exercise, but try to find a "sweet spot", and try to do it more for my health...
• EXCEPT for the fact that I still do Binge-Eating, and when its not food, drugs, or work, or even binge-watching series binge-do something.
• EXCEPT for the fact that – now that I gained some weight back – I sometimes look at those fatty bits in the mirror and for moments I hate myself again... and when that happens I have to re-ground myself, and remind myself to love my own persona, for ALL that it is.

SO:

1. I have learned that (at least in my case) gaining weight due to binge eating is just a symptom of a some underlying mental problem(s).
2. Binge eating is just like alcoholism and other addictions. They are coping mechanisms, you're trying to distract yourself from something, sometimes it is something deep under the surface.
3. Although I am in a WAY better place than in the past, I still struggle with my addictions, mostly Binge Eating.
4. I'm still learning to really love myself and love my life and really live, not just for immediate pleasure/distraction, but for the sake of a more profound experience.

I want to go back to my ideal weight, admittedly both for health reasons, as well as for feeling comfortable with my body. BUT this time I think the best approach for me is focusing on the 4 points above, therefore I will promise the following:

1. I promise myself to do things with moderation, always listening to my body.
2. I promise myself to look at myself with love and compassion.
3. I promise myself to take the time to appreciate the world, my life, and all the things that surround me.
4. I promise myself to stop using food, alcohol or other means of distraction to get away from myself or from ugly situations.
5. Finally, I promise myself that if I ever fail with any of the above promises, it will be okay, I will have self-compassion, and I will not kick myself down, but rather shake it off, and get "back in the saddle".

Any tips that you might have for me will be very much appreciated.

I will also be glad to answer any questions as best as I can.

TL;DR: I have struggled all my life with mental issues, that have manifested through eating disorders. I now plan to take care of my mind first, and have my body follow, instead of skipping the mind and "forcing" my body to be how I think it "should" be.

submitted by /u/FightingCompulsion
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