Hi all. Shortish version, because I’m tired and in pain from talking about it. I was very suddenly bereaved on... Monday night. Which feels like ten years ago at this point. And feels like my weight loss has been pointless, in the scheme of things. Why lose weight when your loved ones can just... die? Sorry. I know this isn’t coherent. Anyway.
All I want to do to ease this pain is sleep, and eat sugar. Prior to Monday, I was doing great. Lots of high fibre, high protein meals with the occasional treat that felt well earned. I’ve lost about twenty pounds since the start of February. (my flair is prob out of date, idk). But right now giving a single flying fuck about anything is hard, let alone the food I eat. I’m veering wildly between eating nothing at all and then just sticking my head in the biscuit tin and gobbling. I did manage a proper meal yesterday but every step felt like the hardest thing I’d ever done and I don’t know if I can do that again today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after.
I know rationally that I want to continue with my weight loss and improving my health. I don’t want to use my grief as a reason to reverse my progress - progress I was finding great joy in. I was learning how to run, I had begun hitting the gym and sticking to it. Talk about timing, because of course all the gyms are currently closed. The world is caught up in the pandemic and it feels like my world has just... ended. And I’m cooped up at home like so many other folks and it sucks. It sucks so bad.
I used to find great joy in my newfound healthy cooking, and I was being careful to make meals that stretched far and filled us up, and then freezing leftovers so I wouldn’t have to make unnecessary shopping trips later down the line. I was doing so fucking well, I was coping with the lockdown, I was taking care of myself, of us, and it still fucking went to hell.
Sorry. Uh. How do you deal with food when you’re grieving? How do I do this? I can’t just free pass myself to eat an entire packet of Tunnocks Wafers. I can’t just stare at the fridge and hate my bag of carrots for outliving her. I can’t just lie on the sofa and refuse to eat at all. But I don’t know how to tell my mind I still need to live.
(For clarification and to avoid causing distress, I want to add that this death was not Covid-19 related).
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2UiRkrS
No comments:
Post a Comment