I’ve been hesitant about posting anything in detail about this journey I’ve been on since March of 2019.
I’ve started my journey miserable and broken. I couldn’t go out with my family or my husband without intense feelings of shame and worry. Worry that others were judging me, worry that I wouldn’t fit in booths/seats, worry that my husband and family were ashamed of me. I couldn’t sleep well, I would wake in extreme pain, unable to walk some days because my back was tired of carrying who I allowed myself to become. I couldn’t keep up with friends or my children, I’d be winded just going for a short walk. I became reclusive and didn’t leave the house. My self-image and self worth were worse than in the garbage, they were in a landfill of negative feelings and emotions that I literally fed at every discomfort. I refused to have my picture taken at all costs. I would secret eat my anxieties and shame which spiraled into deeper anxieties and shame. I didn’t see a point of trying to get healthier, I had “tried” paleo and keto and found myself losing some then bouncing back higher than I had before. In February of 2019, I was watching a weight loss show thinking I was still okay, that at least I wasn’t at the point the people on the program were at. Then I saw a woman on the program wearing the same exact top that I was. It was as though a dam broke and e•v•e•r•y•t•h•i•n•g I had been avoiding for years came flooding through. It forced me to take a good hard look at the mirror, at all I had been avoiding at all costs. I took the blinders off and came to see the hard truths I was sugar coating, I was dying. No, I’m not being melodramatic. My mental health was gone. Non-existent and my body was following. I had given up caring. So at the very end of February 2019 something clicked and I decided to actually try this time.
I started just by counting calories. I wasn’t even focusing on movement. Just by what I was eating and how much. And weight started to come off. A year later, I was 60 pounds down, but my demons came crawling back during my weak moments. The pandemic hit. I felt so defeated and the scale slowly crept up with building anxieties and depression.
Then this summer my world changed. (Not going into specifics) I focused more on my health because it was one of the only tangible things I had the power of controlling. I started eating right (still counting calories and watching sodium/carb/sugar intake) and actually moving. I took the time to invest in my heart and mental health and the game changed.
•I’m no longer worried about judgements or people being ashamed of me.
•I am allowing myself to take up space instead of trying to shrink into the molds I assumed I had to fit into.
•I was able to RIDE amusement park rides with my kids this summer.
•I don’t wake in pain.
•If I ache when I go to bed, I know it’s because I put in the work that day to be able to feel that discomfort and not my body about to give up on me.
•I go for walks because I want to and it’s my time to take time for just me, without being winded.
•I can play with my children and not be so out of breath that I feel like I’m about to have a coronary.
•I don’t shy away from photos anymore. I missed out on so much and so many tangible memories from hiding from the camera.
•I don’t feel like I need to put on a full face of makeup when going out anymore.
•I don’t see certain food as “bad” anymore, it’s food and if I have a craving I just factor it into my day instead of restricting.
•I no longer secret eat and try to hide the evidence.
•I was able to ride a bike.
•I was able to finally get rid of clothes that are now way too big.
•I don’t blink twice when I’m seated at a booth.
•I go out when possible because I am worth a life worth living.
•I am enough.
I have lost around 101 pounds.
But I have gained so much more.
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