I [19F, 5'5''] used to be a competitive figure skater, but I wasn't ever the skinniest in my field. I know that I have a more muscular build, but from as early as I could remember (maybe from the age of 9?) the words "ok I think that's enough" would always be announced after a certain point during a meal from my mom. As I grew older, I had ballet teachers and skating coaches approach my parents telling them that if I wanted to be the best I could be, I needed to lose weight. Up until senior year of high school, I had never been overweight on the BMI scale, but I was always on the edge of that mark. The doctors would say that my weight was because of the muscle I had built, but being the people pleaser and type-A person I was, I wanted to be thinner. Skinnier. Better.
Once I finished my very last season within the sport and was completing senior year of high school, I gained a lot of weight (as to be expected since I wasn't training as much anymore). Maybe 10 pounds. My parents would constantly tell me to lose weight, and with my body, I should be ashamed to tell people that I used to dance/figure skate. I should note here that while I was overweight (according to the BMI scale), I only exceeded the mark by 4-5 pounds. Because of this, I was obsessively calorie counting, but also had horrible binging tendencies. However, after a while, I stopped counting calories knowing that it was doing me more harm mentally than good. Although, the binging didn't stop.
Fast forward to my freshman year of college, and let's just say that the eating went out of control. Because I was always being watched and controlled by my parents in terms of what and how much I put in my mouth, I had always felt restricted. Now that I had moved across the country and was living on my own, I experienced my first sense of freedom... which led to me putting whatever I wanted in my mouth whenever I wanted. From 9/2019-3/2020 (due to COVID we all had to evacuate campus early), I had gained almost 25 pounds.
When I came home, my parents were shocked. Needless to say, a weight-loss regiment was immediately implemented 2 days after moving back. I started this journey on 3/17/2020 at 178lbs, and throughout this process, I experienced a lot of fat shaming, daily weigh-ins, and due to the depression of this, a lot of binging in secret. In my mind, I had always wanted to make a change as well, but with the amount of negativity and trauma of ED mindsets and actions I had in the past, I would always find myself binging to satisfy my emotional needs and hunger cravings while simultaneously hating myself for doing so. This was also mixed in with laxative consumption in order to "expend" the extra calories I was consuming. About a month ago, I finally put my foot down and was determined to reach my goal once and for all, and in the correct way. Originally, my goal was 150lbs, but when I was around 152, I decided that I wanted to get to 140. Today, I'm at 149 (9/24/20), and now I'm thinking that I want to get down to 135. I was looking at the BMI scale seeing that 150 was still on the border between "normal" and "overweight", so I want to get myself to a better range, but I'm worried that this is going to cycle and when I'm almost at 135, I'm going to want to lower my goal weight again.
I'm just a little concerned that I'm becoming too obsessive with my weight and this whole weight loss journey now. It just seems like I'm never satisfied with how I look or feel, and neither are my parents. Part of me is proud for how far I've come since March, but there's also a part of me that is incredibly upset with how slow my progress has been. Especially now that I've hit a plateau, I've only become more discouraged. I don't really know if I'm looking for advice in particular, but I just felt the need to get everything off my chest.
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