I just wanted to share an experience in the hopes of helping those who are struggling with something similar.
2020 has been a real shit show. We all know that. Here's my story of losing nearly 130lbs in a year, then starting the process of gaining it back due to mental illness exacerbated by isolation. This story has some very heavy elements, so be warned.
Some background. I grew up in an abusive home, and i struggled with mental health for my entire life. The benefit of growing up in the 90s though is that mental illness was not really talked about it acknowledged at all, so i went undiagnosed for a lot of things until early 2019.
I finished high school and went to a trade school for massage therapy, graduating with honors. Shortly before graduation, my dad tried to kill me. We got into a big fight, he went into a blind rage as per usual, but this time he began to choke me. My sister came in and called the police. I graduated and moved across the country to live with a friend. Massage therapists were not in high demand, and my need for a job in general outweighed the category it fell in. This begun my being trapped in retail for nearly 15 years.
In 2019, my depression was beginning to take a major turn. The last year or so, i was hiding around the building for tiny breaks due to the way managers treated me. I was doing more than just my job. I was doing the jobs of the managers, in addition to my own, but being treated like i was doing nothing. It gave me major anxiety and directly contributed to my depression. Reporting to HR did nothing. I began to cry for no reason, and i nearly ended it a few times. I finally managed to get a therapist who diagnosed me with, among many things, major depression.
I got on medication, and things started to look up. I suffered from gallbladder disease, and in July 2019, i had to be admitted to the ER for emergency removal surgery. It was going septic. While i was recovering, i got a call from my manager. My position at the company had been dissolved and i could take severance or a similar position at a pay decrease. I took the severance. My health insurance was gone, so i lost my therapist, but at least i had assistance for the medications.
I used this time to work on the weight i had gained during the last decade, dropping from 270 to 143 in roughly a year. My mental health improved, i enjoyed a few hobbies, taking care of my daughter in her first year of life, and i even got a great job in massage therapy. I applied for a basic full time slot and was immediately offered the Lead Therapist position.
I was hired on March 1st, 2020.
Pandemic shut us down on March 17th and my job was now gone.
A lot went on, but notable mentions were a resurgence of depression, due to being stuck at home with the entire family, and stress from being in one of the worst areas for the virus paired with having to deal with schooling my teenager along with isolation causing my toddler to have speech and social delays... I started to gain it back.
I stress ate like crazy. Ice cream, popcorn, late night snacks, cookies, etc etc etc.
At one point i made a batch of eggless chocolate chip cookie dough just to eat it raw. The whole batch.
I kept telling myself that i would get back on track "tomorrow" or "next week" and i would track my food intermittently, but i didn't stick with it. I was tired, and depressed, and spiraling. It felt like my life was falling apart. I had to keep reminding myself that we were okay, and we were going to survive this. I had unemployment, my husband has a good job that pays well enough to cover us for bills. It was tight, but we were not going to be homeless.
In November, i decided to at least try to take on a project. I hated the back yard. It was a dust bowl. The plants i had cared for the years before had died (except the garlic chives, which are apparently impossible to kill), the soil was compacted, we had stuff everywhere, no organization, salvaged chairs that we never fixed up, and brown widows everywhere.
Over the course of the last 2.5 months, i tilled and turned the 1400sqft of yard with just a goose neck hoe and a hose. I mulched. I got storage racks and tubs. I washed off and properly stored pool equipment. I removed rust from the smoker. I built a tool rack. I repaired and painted furniture. I installed foam mats and bought a playset for my toddler. I moved the Jeep out of the yard. I planted new seeds. I installed an automatic sprinkler timer. I installed solar lighting. I created an area for a shade garden with a meditation platform. I removed spider nests and made a pennyroyal solution to keep them away.
Tending my garden has always helped me ground, and seeing things come together makes me feel in control of my life.
Once i started to feel less depressed, i decided that I'm tired of slowly gaining back what i had lost. I'm sick of watching all that hard work from 2019 get undone. I ordered a big pack of SlimFast, and started back on 1200/day and hardcore tracking (the SlimFast is to help with the hunger pains from eating less, until i get used to less food again).
Tonight i replaced tortillas with lettuce cups for our taco night, which gives me enough calories to make myself popcorn or a hot cocoa if i want to, while staying on track.
Mental health will always come before weight loss/maintenance for me. If I'm not mentally strong, i don't have the willpower to keep my body strong as well.
Take care of yourselves. Depression and anxiety are serious, and need to be treated seriously. There's no shame in feeling this way, and talking to people does help, in many cases. Personally, i have to have something i can control in order to stop the spiral. For me, that's my garden. It might be something else for you. But remember that you're important, you're loved, and you can do whatever you put your mind to.
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