Short background: 2 years ago I reached a weight where I actually didn't hate my body (I've been dieting or trying to diet my whole life of course) but I lost my period which is, obviously, not desirable. I went from a BMI of about 22.5 to about 18.5 for a little less than a year and during that time my period was getting very irregular with time periods between each cycle between 40 and 60 days until it just stopped for maybe 6 months.
I then started gaining weight slowly and steadily though unintentionally (due to stress from work, university, personal issues and simply the fact that I was gaining weight) and eventually my period came back although it took a year until it was regular again (I am now at BMI 21).
Question: What I wanted to ask was whether amenorrhea has more to do with the rate of weight loss or with the body weight itself, like, if I tried to lose weight again but slowlier and reached my weight from two years ago would I be able to physiologically sustain it, you know, with my menstrual cycle still intact. At that weight I am still in the healthy range, I would maybe even try to keep it a little bit higher than that, but I'm just worried that I'll lose my period again.
Rants and excuses etc: On the other hand I really hate how I look right now to the point that I avoid social interactions as much as possible and get severe anxiety whenever I catch a glimpse of myself outside. That doesn't sound very healthy to me either.
I am sorry about how vain this sounds, I know that many of you here are trying to lose weight for health reasons and I am, objectively speaking, healthy but as I said I'm feeling mentally exhausted of myself, some days I am barely functional because of that and have been avoiding the outside world. And I hate that I feel this way I really wish I didn't care about how I look but no matter how hard I try, doing whatever mental excercises that exist, I just can't shake off the disgust I feel for myself. And the frustrating part is that when I reached my goal weight it felt like I finally had everything that I was missing in my life. I could go out without stressing about how I looked, wear the clothes that I wanted, talk to people without as much anxiety. I still had problems of course, but at least I didn't have to worry about my looks on top of those. I was also less judgemental towards other people and generally didn't care about how they looked (whereas I would always compare them to myself before that). I had such a boost of confidence and just enjoyed life so much. And I can remember it. And I want it again. But I just don't know if the cost of my physical health is worth that.
It turned into quite a long post, I'm sorry about that too. I just wanted to provide some background since my question may seem controversial to some people. I know I obviously have some mental issues going on, I just want to know if it's possible to to align my brain with my body healthily at this point. I don't know if anyone will respond but it definitely feels good to finally let it out.
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