Hi everyone, this is kind of a throwaway account, but I just wanted to talk about my weight loss journey and my recent developments because I don't really have anyone else who I can talk to about this. It also might get a bit long so sorry about that.
I've always been overweight and always have struggled with my body image. As a kid, I grew up overweight and was constantly bullied for it in middle school and high school. I lost a lot of weight once during the latter half of high school by cutting out lots of unhealthy foods and using an elliptical that I had in my basement. I thought that would be the end of these struggles, but I guess old habits die hard? My body image issues remained despite my massive weight loss and because of other life circumstances, I fell into a deep depression during my first few years of college. I ended up regaining all of the weight I had lost and even more, and my BMI had hit the obese zone for the first time in my life. I felt so, so terrible about myself once again. After struggling with my weight for a while, and failing diets over and over again, after talking with some friends about it, I decided to commit to a routine and actually try and get over these issues once and for all. I lost 36 pounds in the latter half of 2019, and I was at a normal range BMI for the second time in my life. I felt amazing, and thought that I wouldn't struggle with weight gain anymore.
However, quarantine began and, well other than my weight, my mental as a whole just fell hard. I've always struggled with stuff like depression and PTSD from various things that's happened throughout my life, but quarantine and everything going on in the world really got to me. I gained back even more weight, and recently I hit the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Throughout quarantine, I would always try to begin another "diet", fail, try again, fail, and it was just a terrible cycle that made me hate myself even more every time I had failed. When 2021 started, I think I just gave up on trying to lose weight. I told myself that I would never be happy with myself, and I would never, ever be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. Unfortunately, as a result of being picked on so much for my weight, that part of my body had been linked to my identity: if I was overweight, it would affect my mood every single day and my self value as well. It was really bad.
However, recently, I don't really know why or how to be honest but I just randomly had an epiphany. And I realized that what was important wasn't really "how" I was dieting, but "why" I was dieting. I realized that the past times I've tried to lose weight, it was never because "I want to feel good about myself" or "I want to stop feeling so shitty all of the time," but rather because I wanted others to see me in a better light, or see me improve, or like me more. I was only trying to lose weight because I was so scared of how others would see me, and that was the main focus and drive that would keep me going in the past. I was so, so wrong. Weight loss shouldn't be so that other people like you more, but rather so that I can like MYSELF more. I'm sure this isn't really a new concept, but for me, it's so new and refreshing that it actually started helping me feel better.
However, I also realized that "how" I was trying to lose weight was also very unhealthy. Here are some examples:
- I would have "time periods" of when I would restrict myself from a lot of foods: for example, if I knew that I was going to eat dinner out with my friends the next day, I would skip every other meal during that day. No wonder I had bounced back: I very rarely gave myself any sort of "cheat meal" or even a snack. I was just trying to lose weight as fast I could. So yeah, I learned the hard way that it's never good to completely restrict yourself, but rather to find a healthy balance of food with lower calories and higher calories, and instead of trying to lose weight fast, I should try to maintain a healthy weight loss over time and develop better eating habits during the time as well.
- I would also say "good" foods and "bad" foods, but I recently decided to try and change my perspective on food. Instead of "good" and "bad", I went with the terms "higher calories" and "lower calories". Honestly, it's kind of a miniscule change, but it's helped me a lot so far: I don't feel as bad when I eat foods I considered "bad" before. During my last weight loss attempts, I would always feel terrible when I ate something I considered "bad", and it would in turn make me lose the will to keep committing to my weight loss. It was a pretty unhealthy mindset tbh.
- This one isn't really considered "unhealthy" per say, and it's to each to their own. But I used to weigh myself every 2 weeks. While I didn't really see an issue with this back then, I realized that maybe it was counteractive in my own attempts. I'd try to lose weight for 1-2 weeks, check the scale, get disappointed in the results, and I'd give up. That's happened A LOT. So recently (my mom actually gave me this advice lol), I started to weight myself every single day around the same time. While the changes are miniscule (0.2 pounds), and sometimes straight up confusing to me (like today I'm 2 pounds lighter than I was yesterday?), it's been helping me a lot more. I guess for me, weighing myself every day helps me "re-motivate" myself every day. As in, if I had lost a little weight, I'd feel really good about myself and keep wanting to stay healthy the next day. And if I stayed the same, or even gained a little, I'd look back at the food I ate the day before and see what might have affected it. I think it's like a way to efficiently learn what kind of eating habits work for weight loss, and what doesn't.
- I also started to track my own foods instead of going by "feeling". I used to not track my foods, but now I do. To be honest, I'm not a fan of those calorie counting apps, because not all the calories match up perfectly and it kinda bothers me too much when that happens. So instead of trying to track calories, I decided to simply just write down what I ate throughout the day. It's honestly helpful in those moments where I don't really lose weight in the next day, or even gain: I can look back and see what I ate the day before, and make adjustments over time.
I've always had a terrible, terrible relationship with my weight, body image, and food. I let my weight affect my identity and self-love and care. Quarantine had been a huge struggle for many people, and I'm one of them as well. I genuinely hated myself for so long, even before quarantine, because I had never tackled the mental issues that came with my physical weight issues. It's a new and weird feeling for me, taking care of myself rather than doing things for everyone else. But it feels great.
To be honest, I've only recently began my weight loss journey, and I'm still a little scared that I would not be able to commit to this once again. But something feels different this time. I feel mentally cleaner, and healthier, not driven by superficial reasons but rather reasons that actually matter to ME.
I think yesterday was the happiest I've felt during this whole quarantine. I checked my weight, and for the first time in a very, very long time, I hit under 190 pounds, a number range that I had been stuck around for months. I know 189.8 isn't that far off from 190, but to be honest, progress is progress. It was weird, because I thought the world is shit right now and life is shit right now but even in all of this terribleness that I had been going through, I was able to find not just a method of losing weight in a healthier and more efficient way, but I was able to feel actually good about myself. I found my reason to work on both my physical and mental health. And I hope to keep this up and finally, finally recover from both my physical and mental issues that I've struggled with for a large part of my life.
I don't really know how to end this, but I hope I can come back to this account in the future and say to myself that "I did it," and that I'm proud of myself. And maybe at that point, I'll love myself a little more than I have before.
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