The pandemic has been rough, y'all. I went into this thing in April weighing about 135 and I'm currently sitting at about 193. None of my clothes except the cheap "fat pants" and t-shirts I got fit. I'm immensely out of shape. I have a gut, and no chin or jawline anymore. And the worst part and the final straw? Jock itch. Between my thighs and nethers. There's no air circulation there thanks to the fresh fat layers and its summer, so you do the math.
So here's my weight loss journey. It starts about 3 years ago, when I noticed that I'd had to go up a couple pants sizes and I was looking a little "extra." I was about 150 at that time and about to go into grad school, right after finishing my BS degree and a lot of stress-eating. I was SHOCKED. All my life, I'd been pretty skinny, and about two years before that possibly even TOO thin (about 110 on my 5'7" frame, I was very very active as a bike messenger doing 30-40 miles a day and ate well enough but just burned so much that I couldn't put it on). I had some mental health issues with anxiety/depression that were caused by a PTSD-forming attack, and I'd also hit 25 and stopped smoking a pack and a half a day of cigarettes. All that combined with my new student lifestyle, plus moving back in with my parents, meant I kinda put on some pounds.
So I had enough, the first time. I got serious and decided to just eat better, skipping the junk food and doing pretty good exercise (I used to be a pretty active person). Lost 20 pounds in about 3 months. Looked great, felt great. Then my friend committed suicide. It was a slow spiral, but that spiral more or less continued through most of grad school. Last fall semester, there were some cuties in my department and I'd also just started skateboarding again, so those things combined got me down about 15 pounds or so, to 135. Not bad, not too far off from where I felt and looked good the first time although a little less toned because I'd abandoned my weight routine somewhere along the way.
Then I dated someone proudly lazy and obese (note: not a cutie in my department, sadly). This started in February 2020. We all know what happened shortly after that. When the pandemic hit, my mental health went off the wall; with nothing to really occupy my time my ADHD came ROARING back into control and along with it, my need for quick stimulation (junk food). My mom was gone long-term to live with my grandmother while all this was happening, so it was just me and my dad left to our own devices, and he's obese and did most of the grocery shopping.
Between my stress eating of hotdogs and oreos, newfound EXCESSIVE amounts of free time post-graduation and no job, lazy and "body positive" (read: made me feel bad for exercising and wanting to eat better) boyfriend, I started gaining again. Dumped the boyfriend a couple months in... but inertia had gotten ahold of me and didn't let go. I had started down a good path in December and lost about 5ish pounds (back when I was around 165ish), when I started dating another obese person who discouraged me from losing weight, saying "just buy clothes that fit."
My clothes are something I take a lot of pride in and were the thing that started motivating me again, so buying "fat clothes" honestly just made me spiral again. They were very "health-phobic" and would talk shit about healthy food (!?) and boast about how hot and comfortable with themselves they were (despite the major health issues they had, I guess). I dumped THAT person about a month ago (for lots of reasons), and just cut them out of my life completely after realizing they're also a drama-ball of a person about three days ago (coincidentally the same day I decided enough was enough).
So now here we are, a little over a year and almost 60 pounds later. I have terrifying-looking stretch marks all over my thighs and abdomen, cankles, can't fully bend my legs, and I just overall feel TERRIBLE. Out of breath, high resting heart rate (upper 80s, I used to be like 50bpm), flabby and can "feel my edges" no matter what I'm wearing or how I'm sitting/laying.
I got a puppy that I'd already been on the list for pre-pandemic back in August and she is a very active breed, and I'm normally an active person, but I've really let her down. I just sit all day, and eat, and gain. And she pokes me with her nose wanting to go for another walk or to the field to play chase, her favorite game. She's never run with me (and partly because I wanted to wait for her joints, but we'll start jogging eventually).
But none of that really shook me until a few days ago when I noticed the jock itch. And that woke me up. I realized I was so far "gone" with the weight gain that it was literally starting to impact my health and hygiene. I got on the scale for the first time in months, read 193, and literally sat on my floor naked, crying, with my nethers aflame and raw.
So now for the past four days, I've been watching what I eat. I know how this works, I'm a CICO and macros champ. The current plan is to just get the eating habits down first: less processed sugar and carbs, more veggies and lean protein, hitting about 1300-1500/day. I actually LOVE eating healthy food, which actually makes my year-long junk food binge all the more disappointing because I didn't even really enjoy it as much as I do a nice piece of baked salmon and veggies. I'm also taking the dog for two mile-long walks a day (don't worry, she gets plenty of backyard ball/frisbee and agility training as well).
Once the eating habits are a little more solid, I'll start adding in weights and some light-but-sustained cardio. I know from past experience that if I start the exercise and healthier eating all at once before my stomach contracts, I'll eat too many exercise calories back because I'll be so hungry. I'm trying to stay away from heavier cardio such as skating and bicycling for now, as I was getting flexor pain in my knees and hips last time I tried skating because I have no stabilizer muscle to speak of. So build those muscles, lose a little weight to reduce the impact, and then off we go (adjusting caloric intake to compensate slightly, of course).
I'm about to start teaching middle school science, so being able to wear my (very expensive, like Ralph Lauren tier) 125-140 pound professional warddrobe is a HUGE motivator. I don't want to have to buy a whole bunch of new clothes in my "new size." I have enough outfits to get by for now, but hopefully in the next month the waterweight/beginner woosh kicks in and gets me close enough to not just having to wear the new "fat clothes" I had to buy last week (note: I also went clothes shopping around 170 back in early spring, for job interviews and Easter/Mother's Day/family birthdays. I have almost enough clothes to last me till I hit the goal weight and not have to wear anything too tight or baggy for too long).
I want more tattoos now that I can finally afford them, so that's another big motivator: new tattoo for every ten pounds lost. Especially the coverups of the tattoos I got with my abuser. I'm moving back out of my parents' house so I call all the shots on the groceries and cooking, too. I actually correlate living with them and my weight gain, so I think moving out and having a fresh start will be very good for the long-term goals. And I don't want to enter my thirties (I just turned 30 a couple months ago) overweight and out of shape. This is a habit and lifestyle I want to set in stone. Mentally and emotionally, I've gained a TON of resilience especially over the past year, so I now know how to cope with emotions and loss without eating it. I'm excited, finally, to do this. Instead of feeling like I have to or like its some insurmountable task. My dog and I both deserve better, and life without scratching my crotch sounds pretty sweet.
Edit: I just want to clarify that I don't hate on or judge obese people. I'm toeing that line myself, I have no room to judge. Weight is not a character trait or something to be ashamed of. I'm not ashamed of mine; my body fat is the side effect of a coping mechanism that I needed at the time. My issue is with the "toxic body positivity" that I've run into with my past two obese partners; lesson learned that if someone shames you or judges you for making choices for your own better health, to turn and run the other way.
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