Long story short, 3 months ago, I started this journey after being dumped from my very first long term relationship of 3Y. It destroyed me, nearly killed me. First week was mentally exhausting and I was at the lowest of lows. That being said, I started this journey because I was told by my ex regarding many aspect of my life that "I couldn't change" so I decided to start with something she could notice, that would be hard, so I started this weight loss journey.
These words echo'ed in my head for weeks/months. When I started this journey, I cannot lie that the main factor was that I had to prove her wrong. I had to show her that I could change, and I was going to start the hardest journey of my life to prove my point. Weeks passed and I started to emotionally feel better/mentaly better aswell but I had created another "problem" for myself. Slowly my reason to workout and lose weight became an obsession and my "Why" shifted. To this day, I still hope to prove her wrong, but it's faaaaaaar behind many other things now, but I can't lie to myself, there's still a part of me that's doing the cliche "Revenge body". It's very silly of me because she never cared for physique and was with me for 3Y while I was at my heaviest, but that's something I'll have to figure out.
The issue I really created for myself are my obsession and the pressure I'm putting on myself which is getting mentally and physically exhausting however, the discipline, the grind, I have to keep going. I started this journey 7 days a week no rest day, eventually decided it was better for me to at least have 1 rest day, so now I take saturday off. Food is okay-ish, I often have cravings but I dont have said cravings in the house, so impossible for me to cheat or go overboard. The more I'm losing weight, the more I'm wondering why am I really doing it? I'm not dumb, I am obese, even if I have good fat distribution and a 6'4 frame which makes me look thiner than I statistically am, I am still obese, and when shirt off, it's very obvious that I have excess fat to lose. My "Why?" slowly became that I wanted to look good, but not necessarily for myself, but for women. Until recently where I brought up the subject and I was told something that just made me doubt this whole journey. Do I really want to be with someone shallow that only started looking or talking to me because I was physically fit? Is that something I want for my future self? You fall in the trap of the "gold digger" type of deal. People want to be your friend because you have money - which I can make a parrallel with - people want to talk to you because you're fit and good looking.
I know deep down I'm doing it for health reason mainly, but I'm noticing that aesthetic is starting to take a big part in my head, I'm scared that I'll slowly develop body dysmorphia. I also know that the goals I'm setting for myself are very achievable but stressful, as in 2lbs a week for about 8lbs a month however, making that my "standard" makes it so when I'm closer to my weekly weight in and am still a bit away from that "benchmark" I set for myself, I go harder in the gym, I "Diet" harder and I generally make the weight. That being said, it puts stress on me and I know it does, not all the time, but it's unnecessary stress. The first month was fun regardless of the events leading to this journey. Working out was my therapy, my mental escape, my coping, working out was THE thing making me feel got for a brief moment in this VERY dark time I was going through. It made it a whole lot easier to get up and lose myself into exercise for 2 hours +. The food part sucked, but again, considering the events, I wasn't eating much at the start anyways, had 0 apetite. Now though, trainings are starting to get harder due to progressive overload, my runs are getting harder because I'm trying to improve my speed for goals I set for myself, the food is.... alright.... I'm not enjoying myself and am restricting myself a lot on certain foods I used to and still love.
I knew this journey wasn't going to be easy, and I chose my hard. I knew there would be sacrifices, especially in the kitchen... but man... right now.... I'm having a very very tough time. I talked briefly about my weight lost with my therapist which told me that it takes about 3 months to create a new habit, meaning this whole thing I'm doing right now is pretty much programmed into me now... to a certain extent.
Now I'm not sure how to make this journey more "enjoyable", how to shift me mental state so it's ok if I only lose 1 lbs for a certain week, or if I eat out 1 day of the week. I want to learn or get advice from people about how to overcome that obsession, or if I should just stick with it until my "grind" is over and then get back to a looser lifestyle. I'm an "all in or all out" type of person so I guess that's one of my problem to begin with.
Sorry if this is a lot rambling but I had to get this off my chest
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3DOs3ta
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