So sorry that this is so long-winded. I'm kind of at my wit's end and I think I just need to connect with someone who "gets it". I've been "big" my whole life... there were a couple of different times in my life where my weight was at it's lowest (170 range) and both of those times it just sort of "happened" when I was happiest, doing work I loved and feeling very much in my element.
In 2019 after having the worst year as far as work goes, I gained a good amount of weight. By March 2020 I was pretty miserable. I moved to a new state and needed to start over. In June I found a weight loss coach who made such an impact on my life. He supported me through the most stressful year of my life (my father had some serious health issues, and I was living with him and looking after him). I lost almost 60lbs that year- I was so proud of myself! Of course the world had fallen apart around me.. but it was somehow okay, because I was becoming acquainted with, and falling in love with, the new me.
In May 2021 my father had recovered enough to have met a woman in his home country. He gave me one month to move out. I had... pretty much nothing. I had no money and had just began working again. I ended up having to move back to the state I had moved from just a year earlier. I was devastated. The new life I was building was being destroyed before it could begin. One of the hardest parts was not being able to check in with my weight loss coach. Being so close to my goal, we had started working on other projects together (making videos and updating testimonials, etc).
I returned to back to Florida and slept in my mom's studio on an air mattress for four months. I became extremely depressed and felt like I had some form of PTSD. In that time I found work, got my own place, and have been going to therapy. My weight loss coach had helped me realize that my father is an narcissist- the whole process of taking care of myself really made it obvious where my "energy" was leaking and who was benefitting from me staying "fat". Since then I have cut off all contact with my father and don't communicate much with his side of the family to avoid updates and drama.
I have this whole new life here now, but... I've gained 20-25lbs back and feel like I've completely lost control. I feel bloated ALL THE TIME... when I was still in contact with my father I was having panic attacks and constant heartburn. It's settled down now, but sometimes I feel so unsteady that I just need to "eat something". I'm just stressed almost all of the time and feel like I'm just surviving most of the time. Thing is.. I dont even really care that I've gotten bigger again. it's "COMFORTABLE", it's "FAMILIAR"... but I know where this road leads. It leads to be waking up one morning and realizing that I've made my way back to my peak weight. It leads to me "sitting this one out in the car" while my family goes off to explore new places.
It doesn't actually make a lot of sense... I know how great I felt when I was in control of my weight, but I just cant bring myself to do it again. I know this is something I can talk about with my therapist, but honestly I spend most of that hour dealing with my family issues. Every day I'm making excuses and permitting old behavioral patterns because they feel safe.. but it seems that I cannot risk losing the person who was emerging just less than a year ago. I dont really know how to get out of this funk. Anyone have any ideas or advice?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/31oKwzc
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