Hi Friends! I have been contemplating my journey to a healthy BMI in 9 months. I started at the end of January at 187.1lbs at 5'1.75” (yes I tmeasured to a quarter of an inch).
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n previous posts, I've talked about my crossfit journey and how I chose my diet, so in this post I'm going to focus on how my confidence has grown since beginning this journey. Firstly, I had to figure out how I got overweight. I wish I had some stunning epiphany to tell you. While there are certain things that have contributed to weight gain throughout my life, including depression, sexual assault, and stressful school/work environments, the main contributing factor that I could pin-point to my childhood was that I was never taught to eat a well-balanced healthy diet. Seconds? I was a cute little growing girl... I was allowed thirds and fourths if I chose. We always had Pizza on Friday nights, maybe Chinese food on Saturday, and if I was lucky some dessert after Sunday night dinner. My family had pasta dishes, fried chicken, and everything you shouldn't have throughout the week. This is not counting the ton of junk food we had in the house. We were all overweight.
I was different from the other little girls at school, and I'm not just talking about my weight. I was the only black kid in an all white school. Not the class. Not the grade. The school. Ok, ok... there was one other little black girl the grade below me. The other kids weren't necessarily racist, but they do target whoever is different. Hitting puberty at the age of 10 didn't help either. Having horrible acne, hyper-pigmentation, and later facial scars sucked... and I was just overall socially awkward. Yep... I was a prime-bullying target. If Netflix made a show called “Fat Awkward Nerdy Kids of the USA”, I would be on the pilot episode.
Despite the fact we were all overweight and obese in my family, looks were never emphasized in my family. I was taught kindness, compassion, and morality. Traits I still have today. Legit, my co-workers and friends tell me I'm one of the kindness people they've ever met. Hell, I reconnected with one of my ex-boyfriends a couple of weeks ago after no-contact for many years. We were discussing the good times, and he said it was so hard to break my heart and leave because he didn't know what to do with such a nice person. I had musical talent, so in my teenage years I was a competitive pianist, played clarinet, and sang in the school choir. Also, I was intelligent. In high school, I was that kid who slept through like every class. That didn't stop me from getting A's and some B's, and very large scholarships to state schools and some very nice private schools. But goddamn I was awkward looking in my teenage years.
When I got to Jesuit school for college, I was still socially awkward, shy, and just nerdy looking. I gained a ton of weight past the freshman 15, and two girls on my dorm floor tried to bully me. That was the first time I've ever experienced about 10 other girls stand up for me. For the first time I felt like a person of worth. I began to drop weight through Weight Watchers, but Jesuit school still focuses on your character and your insides, so while losing weight the first time was a victory, a part of me didn't care to keep it off. Gosh, I guess it sounds like a bad thing to focus on your character. The problem was I was told that being overweight/obese doesn't matter as long as I'm a nice person. I guess, from a dignity POV yes, but your health should not be neglected just because you're a nice guy or girl.
During my 20s I slowly put 50lbs back on. This was through grad school, through stressful jobs, through abusive romantic partners. I didn't eat to escape or not deal with my feelings. I don't think I'm a stress eater. Just eating healthy was put on the back-burner. So, this January, my current adventure in weight loss began. I dropped down from my management position to a less stressful position that allowed me to get more sleep, focus on crossfit and eating right. I don't think a lot of people took me seriously at first. It took about two or three months to lose 5-7lbs, but fuck I was proud. I wasn't gaining. My crossfit gym had a partnered weight loss competition. They had a different diet than the one I was using. This diet was a better fit. That was excellent. I had a particular problem though. My partner in the challenge took the time to talk down to me and just behave passive-aggressively. I didn't cry, I didn't smack anyone, and I remained “nice”. We didn't win, but I lost around 10lbs in a month. I think my partner stayed the same. I'm not sure, she defriended me on Facebook immediately after the challenge. This taught me I could handle uncomfortable people during my journey. We know they come out in droves when any of us try and better ourselves.
A month after the competition, my friends began to encourage me to start dating. I hadn't seriously dated since I broke up with my abusive ex-boyfriend about a year and a half prior. I've had causal relationships, friends with benefits, and one night stands. But to actually date? Be intimate long term again with a person who could manipulate me, hurt me, and rape me? The thought of it made me want to hide under a rock. But alas, I tried... I knew it was time.
Let me tell you, the dating world is the biggest mixed-bag of nonsense I've ever encountered. There were some terrible experiences, but some good ones too. I've met some people off r/r4r, some people from okcupid, and some people from real life. During this time, I continued dropping weight. Each person I dated, whether one date or two-three months, taught me sometimes new. At the beginning of August, I had dropped over 40lbs and I finally felt like I was worth it... For the first time ever, at the age of 29, I finally believed I was just as beautiful as the pretty blonde girls who bullied me and called me ugly throughout my childhood.
I began to invest in myself, in a different way. I got my skincare down, I'm investing in make-up, I'm believing in myself. For the first time ever I can look in the mirror and I don't notice my hyper-pigmentation or my acne scars. I see a beautiful woman with a great smile, perfect eyebrows, perfect eyelashes, and NO WRINKLES to speak of. Interestingly enough, I cannot see any difference in my body when I look in the mirror. I can, however, see it in pictures. I am now over 50lbs down. I'm going to keep going until I get to the body-fat percentage I want to be at. Every pound I can feel my confidence increasing. On the day I turned 30 I was sitting in a bar with my sister. We took a selfie together. No filter. I didn't recognize myself. A beautiful modelesque woman who looked much younger than 30 (but old enough to be at the bar) looked back at me. I was still overweight by 2lbs. This picture immediately got posted to facebook. People began to DM me calling me “the skinny one” in the picture.
Since mid-August, I've been dating a really nice guy. A teacher at a local school. Well-traveled, well-educated, and super-cute. We've been on one-two dates a week, we've had sleepovers, he calls me every night we're not together, but he says he's not ready to commit. Ok, fair enough, as it's only been a month and a half. Some people like to take things slowly. This week, I hit a healthy BMI and couldn't have felt better. On Saturday, he cancelled our date saying he had a sinus infection and wanted to rest. Alright, cool. I get sinus infections too and I literally cannot with them. He told me to call him Sunday night (tonight). Sure, sounds good. We txted in the morning, but when I called him at night he didn't pick up. Quite unusual of him, but he's sick.
My anxiety riddled mind wanted to go “OMG he's ghosting you! This is worst case scenario!!” My depression riddled mind wanted to go to the same negative thought parade I've been having since I was 13 years old: “You're ugly! You're worthless! Maybe if you were pretty, blonde, and skinny like the other girls in your class he would want to date you!”
Honestly, all I need to do now is look at my profile picture and to know I am worth it. I enjoyed my night. I admired all the new make-up I bought, and the healthy part of my mind says he'll txt me first thing in the morning. If he doesn't? I'm so beautiful now he's a fool if he ghosts me. I'll have no problems finding another. I'm the total package now: I'm kind, I'm talented, intelligent, an awesome cook, and now I'm at a healthy weight and hot as fuck. Really? You have to be a damn fool not to want to get on board.
So, keep going. Keep losing weight. Keep building your confidence. Keep dating. Keep working on you. You are so worth it! Stay beautiful, stay nice, stay kind. Love others, and most of all, love yourself! You can do this too! Good luck!
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